HypnotiqOne

2010-03-18T00:37:00.002-05:00

I'm back...I think (a better update to come soon).

2005-03-07T16:19:00.000-06:00

Oprah Winfrey presents..."Their Eyes Were Watching God"

I thought it was a good intepretation...very erotic! It moved right along with the novel. And most of the lines were directly from the book. EXCEPT, "Whatchu doin Janie?" "Watchin God." LOL!! I thought that was kinda awkward.

Nevertheless, I loved Halle as Janie. She was believable. I also liked that Hurston's sense of humor came across exactly as written in the book, ie. Eatonville's gossipy women, the Storefront joke sessions with the townspeople (especially when Mayor Starks insulted Janie about how she cut the tobacco plug and her retaliation).

I didn't like some of the omissions from the book though:

1. In the book, Mayor Starks actually accused Janie of putting "roots" on him and poisoning him to death. He told all of the townspeople and eventually stopped speaking to Janie and would only eat the lunch and dinner prepared by other women in the town. This lead up to him saying, "I hope thunder and lightening kill you dead." Without that, the movie made Mayor Starks' emotions towards Janie to seem excessively cruel and unreasonable. I interpreted Mayor Starks as a man who truly loved Janie but couldn't "keep up." So his jealousy turned to rage. And then it worsened when his paranoia made him think she was murdering him.

2. Tea Cake actually won all of Janie's money back after he initially lost it gambling. (if memory serves me correctly) I guess they just wanted to show some negative aspect to Tea Cake in the film without showing that he actually hit her too, according to the book. (which I suppose was customary during that time!?!)

3. They took Janie's murder trial completely out of the movie. I think the trial and the fact that people actually turned against her and accused her of murdering Tea Cake showed more of Janie's strength and final discovery of Self.

Questions:

I wonder if there will be any Emmy nods?
Terrance Howard...Micheal Ealy, rising stars?
Is there a new breed of African American actors? So many familiar faces. Hello, Lackawanna Blues!?

2005-03-02T10:43:00.000-06:00

Tweet Listening Party!!!

Listen here! - Courtesy of audioditions.com

It always takes me a few days to digest a new album. But for what it's worth after two days of listening...

The fact remains, Tweet makes me want to simply:

1. Stand on the balcony and watch the horizon
2. Lay watching the smoke unfurl from Patchouli incense
3. Stare in the mirror, dazed and confused with introspect

Sample lyrics:

"...slipped on an iceberg, so cold/slipped up and fell in love with an iceberg, so cold/your love is so cold..." - metaphorical illusions

"Taxi take me to his home/I want to give him all of me cuz I'm alone!!!!" - That track gives me visuals like "Smoking cigarettes" did last album. Loves it!

"The Two of Us" - This joint features her daughter, who is a clone! WOW!!

"Turn Da Lights Off" - When did Kwame' (Polka Dots) become such a HOT producer!?!

Tweet's albums make the club bangers (singles) seem out of place. Sometimes, I want Missy to shut the Hell up and stop messing up the flow. I guess that's why the obvious Missy collabos are at the beginning and the end.

Nevertheless, I will be vibratin' on the dancefloor w/ my vodka cran up in the air harmonizing to that final joint..."We don't need no water..."

Pay careful attention.

2005-02-25T19:34:00.000-06:00

Inner City Blues

I've gotten into an interesting discussion with The Black Informant.

Question of the Day:

Is one of the qualifications of being considered “black": "Must have lived in the “hood?”

Click and see.

2005-02-22T19:50:00.000-06:00

Oprah Winfrey presents..."Their Eyes Were Watching God" starring Halle Berry on March 6, 2005 9/8c on ABC.

I am always worried when a novel comes to life in a movie. It never represents what I envisioned. And I hate to be like, "hmm...that's not how I pictured it."

And more importantly, I like that books are left up to the readers own illustration. Nobody needs to tell me what Raymond Tyler looks like. I know him.

And in most cases, books need no other interpretation anyway. Yet, the fact of the matter is that in this society great stories are oftentimes never told to the masses when left in written form.

How many truly avid readers do you know? I am even embarrassed at how little I have read in the past few years. For me, it is hard for a book to compete with reality tv. That's my guilty pleasure. So, in essence, I understand the lack of readership. DEATH TO TELEVISION!

Nevertheless, soon to come is an interpretation of Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God presented by Oprah Winfrey. I personally revelled in Beloved. I thought it was true to Toni Morrison's work. So, I trust that I can count on Oprah to do any novel justice on the small or big screen. Especially this one.

Plus, the previews have gotten me all too excited. I just cannot imagine how the flood scene is gonna work?!

2005-02-15T16:59:00.000-06:00

Maximillian (Max) prior to adoption at Fulton County Animal Services

2005-02-15T13:36:00.000-06:00

Maximillian

Santa brought me a canine companion for Christmas. I had always wanted a pet. I just didn't know if I was necessarily ready for the committment. I would constantly talk myself out of purchasing one. So needless to say, I recently decided it was time to find out.

My only stipulation was that the dog be rescued from the pound. I wanted to feel as though I had saved a life, a carnivorous one. And I did. Maximillian (Max) was adopted with kennel cough, conjunctivitis, neuter infection, flea infestation, and a severely matted coat amongst other things. All the poor dog had strength to do was to lick his persistent runny nose and penis sutures from the neutering...ugghh!

Now it's February and all is nearly well. In the process, he has become quite attached to me...following me from room to room, attempting to sleep in the bed with me, and displaying pure joy as soon as I walk into the house.

Nevertheless, I feel as though I've adopted a child. (Maybe I'm the one whose become attached!?!?)

2005-02-14T13:40:00.000-06:00

Killing Me Softly

I felt all flushed with fever
Embarassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

Having someone discover your blog unexpectedly can put you at a menacing handicap. Once "outed," I simply disappeared. Now I think I'm back.

Journaling has always been cathartic to me. Sometimes I write knowing I never want to see what has been written once it is completed. It is that I only desire the process of purging the thoughts and ideas into tangible representative symbols on a computer screen or piece of paper.

Other times, the recorded thoughts and subsequent reminiscence is worth the cataloging. Acknowledging the documented "then and now" can only illustrate life's growing pains, right?

Nevertheless, the addition of online "publishing" has added another aspect of journaling that I have grown to appreciate (and despise) in an effort to capture a collective journey of individuals caught up in this cyber hustle.

Am I up for this ride, again?

2004-10-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

Today, I am a rich white woman.

When the sun greeted me this morning, I knew that today would be a great day. A blessed day. And it was confirmed as I was on the elevator at work making my way towards my office when the elevator opened and in walked Jane Fonda (I swear to God).

Thought for today:

Live, see, breathe, be...as if you were a rich white woman.

2004-10-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

I return...bearing gifts!

Preview the new Fantasia tracks:

1st single and title track: Free Yourself f/ Missy Elliott
Ain't Gon Beg
Baby Mama
Selfish
Truth Is

I must admit that I'm not overwhelmed with excitement...but there is hope in the yet remaining 5-6 other tracks.

2004-07-22T00:52:00.000-05:00

Is it me or has Betty Wright been doing the damn thing these last few years?

Erykah Badu featuring Betty Wright - "A.D. 2000" on Mama's Gun.
Getting Sara together on Making the Band 2 on MTV.
Collabo on Joss Stone's collection of Soul Sessions.
Nina Sky featuring Betty Wright - "You Deserve."
Angie Stone featuring Betty Wright - "That Kind of Love" on Stone Love.

2004-07-09T08:40:00.000-05:00

No Ifs, Ands or Butts...

I quit smoking cigarettes yesterday! Yep, it was my official quit day. (My behavior modification program requires that I make announcements to hold myself accountable!?)

I don't even know why it has taken me so long. Actually, I do. As a Public Health professional, I am quite familiar with social and behavioral science theories. I've been in the Contemplative stage of the Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change for a few months now. Voila!!

In addition, the Spirit spoke to me with the use of...what my Momma would call...a "confirmation."

A few weeks ago, I was watching Sex and the City, Season 3, Episode # 35 "No Ifs, Ands, or Butts" in which Aidan tells Carrie that he can't date a smoker. She attempts to quit cold turkey and runs out of their dinner date fiending like a crackwhore for a few puffs of an emergency cigarette in which she subsequently dropped in the sewer crate on the street corner. After getting caught smoking, she starts the patch.

And on Monday, I went to see OhSix in the middle of the night. On the drive over, I lit up my Salem Ultralight and inhaled. I parked my ride, popped in a cherry Jolly Rancher and knocked on the door. His room was midnight black and he was already in the bed, so I climbed in.

OhSix: Whatchu been smoking?
me: (shit) Nothing.
OhSix: You sure?
me: It's just a cigarette.
OhSix: I ain't know you smoked!?
me: I don't...really...not that much.
(silence...I smell my hands and cup my breath...)
OhSix: Whatchu doing...smelling yourself?
me: No.

So here I am now...Day 2. I bought the patch, but I have been able to control the cravings without them. I don't know if I will even start them or not. I wasn't a big smoker in the first place...less than or equal to 5 a day. Therefore, I may be able to manage cold turkey.

Pros/Cons:
Pro: I have an increased appetite. I can now better focus on that weight gain goal and step up on Kanye's Workout Plan.
Con: Carrie evenually relapsed.

2004-07-06T01:55:00.000-05:00

DAMN!

I was reading a discussion forum on the Cosby debacle and ran across this line from what I assumed is a white guy:

"I can see why the poor black youth are so disenfranchised....even their own people do not believe they are worth anything." - the-breaks forum

2004-07-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

Deafening silence

After watching Saddam Hussein call President Bush the "real criminal" on CNN yesterday, I happened to afford the opportunity to watch the entire documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 while at the barbershop today. (Bootlegging at it's best...)

I'm speechless.

And just when I thought I could utter a simple monosyllabic word, Bill Cosby silenced me again by his commentary at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition & Citizenship Education Fund's Annual Conference.

I think I've swallowed my tongue.

2004-07-01T07:04:00.000-05:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I been gone for a minute. Now I'm back with the jump off. Well...not really.

June of 2004 was an interesting epiphanic month. A funeral. Psuedo family reunion. Psuedo class reunion. PRIDE. Mega-Fest. Dating.

Funeral
One of my cousins lost a long battle with cancer. The family knew death was near, but its sudden arrival was still unsettling. The religious cynic in me cringed at the thought of a typical Southern funeral. And it was.

"Weeping may endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
"Troubles don't last always."
"He picked me up, turned me around, placed my feet on solid ground."
"One glad morning, when this life is over, I'll fly away."
"You may not have tomorrow, so choose salvation today."

It was cliche after cliche with the congregation in full call and response.

Moms: (knowing my cynicism) That was a nice homegoing service. Did you get the message?
Me: Oh I got it alright.
Moms: Well what did you think?
Me: Honestly?
Moms: Hmph...
Me: I thought it was inappropriate. I couldn't believe there was actually an alter call at the funeral. Thirty-something people walked up and surrounded the coffin while the minister solicited church members. What happened to honoring the life of the deceased?
Moms: Sometimes death can lead people to Him.

RIP Phyllis.

Psuedo Family Reunion
And of course, the funeral afterparty gets real krunk. The conversation I regret:

Teenage male cousin: Damn, I just founnd out that that was our cousin over there. (He points at a female. We both stare in her direction making eye contact as my step mother overhears.)
Me: Everybody here is a cousin.
Step Mom: Well, you know in Louisiana that's legal! (sarcasm)
Teenage male cousin: Word?
(We all laugh hysterically)
Teenage female cousin: (slyly walks over) Ya'll talking bout me?
Teenage male cousin: Yeah! Talking bout how if you weren't my cousin I would seriously be trying to holla at you!
(Everyone laughs hysterically again)
Me: (rolling my eyes at young male hypermasculinity)
Teenage female cousin: (looks at teenage male cousin) You too... (walks away)

Scare me!

Psuedo Class Reunion
I then ran into the girl I went to Junior prom with (no kin) in the parking lot. She had a lot of questions. I don't know if it was sincere interest or whether she was validating something she had heard. It wasn't a problem though. I could careless.

Yes, I finished undergrad and grad school.
Yes, I live in Atlanta now.
This is where I work.
This is what I do.
No, I'm not married.
No, I'm not dating anyone seriously.
No, I haven't talked to anyone from highschool.
Here's my number.

And as soon as 48 hours could pass, I received a phone call from another classmate who is living in Atlanta. From this reunion, the gossip poured, thick and coating like evaporated milk. Thank God I escaped the rural South.

Mega-Fest
Back in Atlanta...chance would have it that I didn't host any family for the corporate sponsored revival, better known as Mega-Fest. I guess they knew better. Ironically, one of my bestfriends, DaScroller, came with some of his family from New Orleans to attend. "Why?", I asked. "Ya'll are Catholic!"

Moms: (calling my cell) I'm back home from the Mega-Fest. Sorry I didn't get to see you.
Me: I was wondering if you even came or not.
Moms: Yeah, you know I came down with some people and...blah...blah...blah. Where you at?
Me: The park.
Moms: You down there for what I saw that commercial for?
Me: What commercial?
Moms: Something I saw on TV...
Me: I'm here for PRIDE.
Moms: Yeah, that's it. They said right after our convention...in coming another kind...umm hmmmm...
Me: (laughing) I didn't know they had commercials...
Moms: It was on the news. Be careful out there.

PRIDE and Dating
I ran into a lot of people I hadn't seen in ages in the park for Atlanta Gay PRIDE. But I didn't meet anyone new. Not that I believed I needed to anyway, per se. I have always been the serial monagamist. Recently that has changed. But I haven't ventured all the way into casual sex either. I find it hard to seriously get to know more than one person at a time in an intimate and romantic way. But I get so tired of putting my eggs in one basket and getting the inevitable.

So now I am holding meetings with OhSix and DaBoriqua. Just two at a time...no mas. They both are smart, attractive, ambitious, have their own car/apartment, etc. What sets them apart? It's too early to tell. I can't call it. To make a comparison, I would have to be shallow and base it on the physical connections.

OhSix - passive aggressive, versatile, at night and in the morning, shower together

DaBoriqua - aggressively submissive, bottom, Latin heat and passion, kisses me goodbye

This is gonna be one ol' episode of ElimiDate!

2004-06-10T20:40:00.001-05:00

I am filled with Christ love! - Saved!

Last Saturday, I had sushi with a new acquaintance, Da Boriqua. After a long day of Spring cleaning, I decided to meet him at Ru San's in midtown Atlanta for an afternoon feast. We engulfed countless servings from a smorgasbord of maki, nigiri and sashimi sushi. And I generally don't eat sushi when I'm famished because I always find myself insatiable, but for whatever reason this time I was stuffed beyond satisfaction.

Da Boriqua spoke with a New York accent reminiscent of what you would find in an Enrique Cruz production. However, he didn't necessarily have that Blatino look or feel. There was no thug wear...no Puerto Rican regalia...no "mami" this or "papi" that. Just your simple standard American English wearing Diesal jeans and t-shirt.

To my surprise, we had quite an interesting conversation. We talked about our love for spirits, ie. Vodka, Gin and Tequila. We both tend to drink to get drunk. "Can't we think about the clarity, distillation, taste or purity of alcohol later?!" Then we shared drunken horror stories and laughed between each baptism of sushi into pools of soy sauce.

Last night we met again. It started out as a movie date, but Saved! and The Stepford Wives wasn't playing until today. His ignorance as to what was currently playing and to this week's new releases led me to cancel the theater as a date all together. So I met him at his apartment and watched Futurama, Family Guy, and King of the Hill back to back. I have never claimed to be a fan of animation...even as a child. I was the one who literally rushed home to catch the 4 o'clock Oprah after school each day. I swear! Nevertheless, I diligently sat and watched with Da Boriqua. The storylines were surprisingly smart for how adolescent I perceived animation to be.

After seeing him doze off within scenes, I suggested that I let him rest by leaving.

Da Boriqua: You don't have to leave. You can lay with me.
Me: (resist and flee!!) Where am I gonna lay?
Da Boriqua: Here or in my bed. We just layin...
Me: Aiight.

I put on some of his shorts. He changed into a tee and running pants. We got in the bed.

Da Boriqua: I wanted to ask you to lay with me a long time ago.
Me: Word?

We spooned ever so tightly. He fell asleep. I dozed in and out due to his sleep apnea. After I couldn't take it anymore, I finally got up and out of the bed...got dressed...woke him up...and told him I had to get home (lies).

And now as I reminisce on the time spent, I wonder how long this one will last?

2004-06-04T01:05:00.000-05:00

Why must I pose as a cyclist in the park? Have I not learned my lesson from the recent collision? But still I rise...

2004-06-03T01:49:00.000-05:00

To Grandma, with love...

Many months ago, I splurged and bought an Egyptian Cotton (280 thread count) sheet and pillow set for my bed. For no apparent reason, the package sat in my linen closet up until this past weekend.

I am not sure why I never used the sheet set up until now. I think it is because I was raised with a grandmother who never used her "good stuff."

The Summers I spent at my grandmother's house as a child included:

1. Plastic runners "protecting" the carpet in high traffic areas such as the living room and main hallways.

2. "Do Not Touch" towel sets nicely folded and displayed in the bathrooms.

3. Candles still wrapped in the plastic outercovering, never to be burned...years at a time.

4. "Good" dishes which were only used during Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the occasional Sunday when company visited.

I'm not going to dispute my grandmother's logic/illogic concerning her valuables. That would be futile. But tonight, and from this day forward, I will sleep in Egyptian luxury...because I can...and should.

2004-05-30T02:19:00.000-05:00

I think I'm READY NOW for a NASTY GRIND...

It never ceases to amaze me. Truth Hurts and Adina Howard may just be what I need to get me through the Summer.

Sample lyrics:

Throw me on the counter//By the kitchen door//Let's do acrobatics//Make my body sore//Make the neighbors jealous//Bet I'll make you scream//My legs around your pelvis//You ain't gonna run from me - Ready Now by Truth Hurts

You do me and watch as I do you//Two bodies vibrating, your manhood is escalating//Tongues touch, bodies trace//Turn over, I don't see your face//Kiss your neck, your back, your toes, what's next? - Nasty Grind by Adina Howard

2004-05-27T01:36:00.000-05:00

"What's in your NetFlix queue?" - Esquire (June 2004, pg. 52) asks the question...

Here are my next five:

1. India.Arie - Live in Brazil

2. The Women of Brewster Place

3. Thirteen

4. Poison

5. Swimming Pool

What's in yours?

2004-05-25T00:31:00.000-05:00

When it all...all falls down... - Lauryn Hill

I had an early dinner with Gianni today at Willy's Mexicana Grill in Piedmont Park. I brought my bike so I could work in some cardio within the park while taking in the Spring air.

After eating, I cycled into the park passing dogwalkers, joggers, skateboarders and frisbee throwers. I was really enjoying the buzz of the wind around my ears when I approached a decline and out of nowhere found myself face down into the pavement with my bike two feet behind me...the 360 degrees of the wheels were still spinning ever so swiftly.

I initially felt nothing...not even embarassment. Then I realized that I was still face down in the pavement and probably 7 seconds had passed...1...2...3...4...5...6...7. "I must get up immediately," I thought. And when I did, I noticed a group of approximately nine people having a festive picnic adjacent to the site of my collision with apparently NOTHING! All heads were turned in my direction. There was a look of sincere concern on their faces...not amusement...not humor....CONCERN. I thought, "Did my body being propelled by a mountain bike look that ghastly?" Obviously it did.

I checked my body and immediately felt the stinging sensations surrounding my left hand, right knee, and right elbow. It wasn't anything too detrimental...just a few scrapes. However, my hand now has a pretty large piece of skin on my palm which has been lacerated and pulled back forming a flap of dead flesh resembling a corpse from CSI.

And in an effort to let no man/woman/child put me and my committment to working out asunder, I attempted to go full throttle into my usual weight training regimen. However, my left hand was not as committed.

I think I have sprained my wrist.

2004-05-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

American Idol III: The 3 Divas Collection

Through my ever increasing skills at manipulating the world wide web for all of it's works, I have compiled this year's most anticipated compilation:

American Idol III, The 3 Divas Collection: Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson, and LaToya London

This 28 track anthology contains Fantasia's tear jerking rendition of Porgy and Bess's "Summertime," Jennifer Hudson's homage to Manilow in "Weekend in New England," and LaToya London's farewell number, "Somewhere."

Only one copy burned to CD to date...

Where's yours?

2004-05-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

One man's trash is another man's treasure...

I found a 32 in Toshiba television near the dumpster in my apartment complex today. I was merely checking my snail mail. And there it was sitting idly at the opening to the trash compactor. I stopped...looked to my left...then my right...and behind me. No one was around. I kneeled to inspect my find. "A little dusty," I thought.

I would have left it there had I not discovered a Hoover vacuum cleaner (just needed to change the disgusting bag filled with cat fur/feces), two pewter adjustable table lamps with shades that coincidentally matched my decor), and a vegetable rack (which fits perfectly in my closet holding socks, underwear, and ties) all within the past eight months.

So I squatted and lifted with my legs. I carried the TV up three flights of stairs to my domicile. I only took one break (it must be the new work out regimen). The whole time I was thinking of how I could toss the entire set off of my balcony onto the parking lot if the television set did NOT work!

Whew!!! I made it. I plugged it in, pushed power, and got the usual Poltergeist-esque snow screen. I hooked it up to my cable. Ta da!!! Clear picture...almost...there are 3-4 horizontal lines which change intermittently across the top 1/4 of the screen. Hey, I can ignore that! So I connected the television up to all of the other accessory equipment in my living room and moved my 20 in into my bedroom.

Perfecto!

2004-05-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

I want you to touch me on the inside part and call me my name - Beloved

Somebody called me an asshole today. I thought it was undeserving. I tend to say what is on my mind. And it's not in a "speak before you think" kinda way. It is actually carefully thought about with an attempt at executing it to precision.

But where does being assertive, articulate, and outspoken become crass and uncouth?

Does the following text require that one be called out by their name?

Ol'Piece,

Unfortunately, I prefer not to receive any FORWARDS containing prayers, inspirational stories, urban legends, smiley animations, or "save Lil' Ricky" requests in my inbox. I consider all such messages junk mail.

Please feel free to contact me via email if YOU have anything to say to ME directly.

Thanks for thinking of me,

HypnotiqOne

***But of course if you follow this blog, you know that their is history with me and Ol'Piece anyway***

2004-05-19T02:31:00.000-05:00

The Devil is a liar and ain't no truth in him!

Lucifer and a few of his disciples sent me this link:

BlkGayChat

I'm trying to get to bed before 3 am each night...damn!

2004-05-18T13:10:00.000-05:00

Let's Get Married - Jagged Edge

A cell phone conversation I just had while at work:

me: hello?
him: this is BowWow, you left me a message...your number.
me: hey...(puzzled)....ok, where did i meet you again? (i'm scrolling my mind for any pieces I could have recently met from adam4adam, men4now, gay.com, The Lion's Den, etc.)
BowWow: ummmm....that one place...like crayons!?
me: (rolling on the floor lauging out loud) you...mean...Colours?
BowWow: (laughing) yeah
me: Oh! BowWow! Hey!
BowWow: yeah...lol...so whatchu doin?
me: At work...Blah...Blah...Blah...
BowWow: Me too. So this is your cell...umma call you when I get off?

The Background:

One of my best friends, Gianni, and I met this guy at a New Year's Eve party. He was an adorable lil hobbit. Gianni, being a lush like me, exchanged numbers with him and then subsequently ignored his phone calls the following week after he sobered up.

Then, Gianni and I ran into him at The Lion's Den months later. We were, of course, drunk again and he approached us. I diligently tried to move in like a thief in the night. The battle began as we were competing for his attention. I gave up in Round #2, but not before I reminded Gianni that he ignored BowWow's phone calls last time, in addition to the fact that BowWow's not even his type. I requested a truce...actually I demanded that Gianni forfeit from this competition in order that I may make my advance. My request was denied and Gianni continued to gaze into BowWow's eyes.

Well, we saw the adorable hobbit this past Friday at Club Colours and he was throwing mad shade at Gianni. And so I was talking to him and he was like, "I wanna kick it with ya'll. Your friend won't ever call me back. Let's exchange numbers, etc."

I got his number. He didn't have his cell so he told me to call his work number on the spot. I did and left a drunken speech-slurred detailed voicemail. (Simply, ghetto.)

Well, passive non-aggressive ME, didn't call the boy all weekend.

And now he just called me 5 minutes ago...

I'm trying to think of how I can get him to Massachusetts? I love him!

2004-05-14T02:18:00.000-05:00

The Daily Dose

As I tuned in to my usual daily dose of Oprah yesterday, I was mildly shocked to hear Cameron Diaz and Oprah Winfrey casually and briefly talk about how they both believed the institution of marriage was "outdated." Rather ironic since the show was about the biggest animated wedding movie of the year, Shrek 2.

I could feel the emails pouring into Harpo's server...

So, the fanatic that I am, went to the message boards in defense. My post:

Debate over Oprah's comments on marriage...
Posted by: HypnotiqOne
Posted on: 05/14/2004 at 2:47am (27. of 34)

I happen to agree with Oprah and Cameron concerning marriage. I believe that they respect the institution for those that choose it. However, it's not for them personally. And this is probably due to some sense of individualism or selfishness. One has to give up an aspect of Self in order to be "married." The two become one, etc. All of us aren't up for that. Yet we can be just as committed and in love as anyone else.

For me, a family isn't defined by a marriage certificate or a wedding ceremony. A mother will always be a mother and a father will always be a father regardless of any certificates of marriage. In addition, monogamy and committment can also be established without the "institution."

Secondly, if America believed in the "institution" as much as this message board portrays then the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

And finally, if marriage is the cornerstone of family and society as this message board portrays then ALL people would be allowed the opportunity, more specifically gays and lesbians.

Why was I even commenting...

2004-05-13T04:24:00.000-05:00

Microphone check...1...2? Is this thing on?

I thought I told Blog goodbye, but here I am.

Thanks Mista____ for the email and for letting me vent.

The fact remains: I will do this for me, authentically so.

Updates:

While in New York last month, I realized that there are only about 7-10 black gay men in America and I either know them or know someone who knows them ALL! The more intriguing question is why were they all in New York City at the same time?

I went from Day-O to Bar d'O...French Roast to Langston's...house party in Brooklyn to one on the Upper West Side...Christopher Street to 1-2-5. The whole time running into old friends, foes and acqaintances. Exhausting!

Nevertheless, I'm now back in Atlanta fighting for my sanity. I hosted my brother and sister from Albany, GA for Spring Break. Interesting time for a 16 and 18 year old and there new found gay big brother. I attempted not to change my world just because they were in town. They met a few friends of mine and thought they were "funny." What does that mean? "Ha ha" funny? Or "you're so gay that I can't help but laugh" funny? I took it as a compliment.

I also took them on a shopping spree. And the most surprising thing was how they enjoyed consignment shopping at Plato's Closet. (Some simple shit I shoulda thought of) They were running around like it was Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory!

I have gone on a serious health kick as well. During late winter, I simply stopped eating regularly for some reason. I didn't think I was stressed. But I suppose I was. My 6'3 frame was down to 169lbs. Normal, but not too cute by my standards. So as soon as the weather began to change in da ATL, I hit the gym...and GNC. Now I'm at 177lbs. Yeah!! It's probably all water, but what the Hell!? I ain't stopping!

Note: Sometimes I feel like I have the same issues as emotional overeaters, but I undereat at times. Not in an extreme emaciated type of way. But similar. Strong emotions definitely make me lose my appetite.

Whew!!! That was cathartic!

Now I know I'm back...and continuing to do this for me...

2004-04-26T14:24:00.000-05:00

I met this boy back in August. I was enamored immediately. He was intelligent, witty, savvy, cosmopolitan, emotional, and downright outspoken. He was everything that I needed him to be. We would meet after work and he would spit game to me. Addictive game. I would inhale his stories and diatribes. He would school me on life and it's obstacles. He became my burden bearer. My rock.

Sometimes as we talked, I would grab his hand as if to find something tangible to let me know that he was real. His eyes reassured me. His lips opened with a roundness that enveloped the whole world, as I knew it. For sure, he was real.

At times, I just could not get enough of him. How could one person possess such personality and charisma? I asked people if they knew him. And I introduced him to my friends. Most of them weren't as smitten as me. But that was understandable. So I told myself that, "He'll just have to grow on them."

He and I continued our sacred bond. I began to open up to him. I felt appreciated. I felt heard. He listened. He reassured me that I could tell him anything. And I did.

Then gradually, the intensity of our relationship waned. Not for any particular reason. It just did. We never put a label on what we were doing in the first place. So I thought it was just one of those things. No love lost. When we did see each other the magnetism was still as strong as ever...like cosmic elation at every reunion.

Recently, I ran into him and some of his friends in New York City. I realized that he wasn't all that I thought he was, to say the least. It's one of those things where it wasn't necessarily anything that was said or done. Just discernment. Therefore, we've stopped speaking entirely.

My perspective of him has changed. He didn't change. I did. I held him up on such a high pedestal that reality and human nature were bound to make him mortal. Which to me was a grave disappointment. My naivete and the fallacy that I once believed were more pleasant. But this realization is simply truth. And I accept that.

I don't know if we'll ever speak again. Is it worth opening up as I once did? Will I ever want to hear those same stories? Do I need his entertainment? Will I meet others like him only to second guess their authenticity? May be this is the closure that I need. Maybe not. I am unsure.

Yet tomorrow brings a new day.

Goodbye, Blog.

2004-04-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

Far away from here//Far away from here//Far away from here//Just jump in a taxicab//Pack your bags and get away fast ~ Kindred The Family Soul

Yesterday, I arrived in New York Fuckin City. Harlem World.

Met up with TheMost, TheHairstylist, and Q for Sprung at Bar d'O.

And I got so much things to say...

2004-04-05T18:11:00.000-05:00

Please remain seated until the ride completely stops...

The ride is over. TopModel asked if we could just be "homeboyz." What da fuck!?

2004-04-02T14:58:00.000-06:00

Emotional Rollercoaster

I feel like one of those friends who get married or find a date and forget about their comrades who soldiered with them in the struggle. However, that is so not like me.

The emotional rollercoaster has been so exhilarating that the possibility of taking a moment to get off this ride and reflect has caused such a panic out of fear of what would be revealed.

On the incline:

He cooks for me...I clean his kitchen.

He gives me unexpected kisses, like when I'm mid-sentence.

I get butterflies when I think of his face.

Sex has been put on hold...for the time being.

At night, he grabs my hand and pulls my arm around his chest as we embrace into unconsciousness.

As a weird habit, he plays with my earlobe as we chill.

Conversation flows naturally.

On the decline:

Condom and lube paraphernalia in the bathroom wastebasket and we're not kuttin'!? Response = "I don't know when the last time I emptied that trash. Plus, I let my boy use my apartment. I haven't had sex in over a month."

He left his email open unbeknownst to me (the screensaver was up) and I used his computer and noticed it was an email from somebody on Adam4Adam. Which meant that he was recently logged onto the website looking for some "action." Nevertheless, the internet history revealed quite a lot of time being spent on Men4Now, Gay.com, and BlackPlanet as well. But what could I say, it had only been 3 weeks of knowing one another at that point.

Two days ago he told me he was moving to NYC in August as an aspiring model. Huh? This is the aftermath of missTyra!!

So here I am. Back in line to go for another ride...

2004-03-22T00:06:00.000-06:00

Cooking and Clean'ting ~ Madea

I just finished cleaning. It's not even my kitchen. And I've only known this guy for a week and a day. We've been practically inseparable since seeing Jesus Christ Superstar...I mean, The Passion of the Christ last Friday. He wept.

Could this be love at first sight?

2004-03-16T14:47:00.000-06:00

All day today I have recanted the following conversation...on repeat:

WHITNEY HOUSTON
My business is sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. You know? I mean, my friends, we have a good time. But as you get older, you get wiser. You know? You stop a lot of the kid stuff. I had no time to grow up, had no time to party. I didn't even date in my, date in my 20s. It was rough. It was rough. I think I kind of reverted back as I got older. And I said, well I'm just gonna party, you know? It was kind of a rebel in me, you know?

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Did you think how dangerous it was?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
No. I wasn't, I wasn't like shooting heroin or anything.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) This says $730,000 drug habit. This is a headline.

WHITNEY HOUSTON
Come on, 730? I wish. No. I wish that was making that money off of me, you could share it with me. No, no way. I want to see the receipts. From the drug dealer that I bought $730,000 worth of drugs from. I want to see the receipts.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Is it alcohol? Is it marijuana? Is it cocaine? Is it pills?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
It has been. At times.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) All?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
At times.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) If you had to name the devil for you, the biggest devil among them?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
That would be me. It's my deciding, it's my heart, it's what I want. And what I don't want. Nobody makes me do anything I don't want to do. It's my decision. So the biggest devil is me. I'm either my best friend or my worst enemy. And that's how I have to deal with it.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Do you think of yourself as an addict?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
I am addicted to a few things.

DIANE SAWYER
(Off Camera) Like?

WHITNEY HOUSTON
Making love. I don't like to think of myself addicted. I like to think of, I had a bad habit, which can be broken.

And on that note, Whits entered rehab today. How prayer changes things...

2004-03-11T15:43:00.000-06:00

Hi, is Chris Rock available?

What if your new cell phone had a celebrity's old number!? Laura's did. Hilarious!?

2004-03-10T14:21:00.000-06:00

And another one...

Someone2Remember has shown me another "6 degrees of seperation" Friendster-esque site, but specifically for gay folk...

Downelink

Umma try this one mo' time...and can we get some marketing on the East coast!?

2004-03-09T16:48:00.000-06:00

Question?

1. If a close friend moved away a year ago, does that friend's local dates (dates = pieces, homie lover friends, cut buddies...not past relationship material) become equal opportunity again?

2. If so, is one year a long enough wait before any crimes of the heart should be committed?

3. What should be said to the close friend if one is simply contemplating such an endeavor?

4. Should one discontinue any and all flirty glances with said "date," no matter who initiates?

5. Should one remove oneself from the vicinity of the dancefloor if said "date" begins to gyrate within one's periphery?

6. Is it just plain old TIRED that one is even considering such a dilemma?

Hmph...

New find: CARGO magazine

2004-03-04T20:20:00.000-06:00

Spring has sprung!!!

The weather in Atlanta has been the best EVER!!! I have always been the type of person that allows the weather and/or the seasons to affect my psyche.

Sunny, warm day = Happiness! Rainy, cold day = Don't talk to me!

In the spirit of elation, I reconnected with Ol' Piece. We had been talking off and on since the email spat. I was comfortable with us both moving on...but there is still this undeniable attraction. I'm not sure what it is. Or do I?

I'm man enough to own up to the fact that a lot of the hostilities are my own doing. I could handle disagreements differently. I could take a softer, more Ghandi-like approach...but in haste, I tend to try my hardest to cut and slice. And that's a side of me that I never knew existed. Is this a repercussion of the incident(s) (11-19-03) with TheEx?! Am I forever wounded? Will I always labor this baggage?

I feel like this is a tango that we both are dancing for our own dark hidden reasons. And I'm not sure if I am ready for the music to stop.

2004-02-27T11:07:00.000-06:00

I need to see a man about a horse ~ Phrase Finder

I have this intriguing curiosity with what I call conference aphrodisia as noted by my attendance at another meeting back in September. It simply amazes me how people can allow perceived anonymity or the controlled environment of the host hotel and meeting sessions to drive sexual prowess. Nevertheless, more time and work was required of the participants at this recent meeting so there was less "promiscuity" as far as I could tell. *Note: High prevalence of homosexuals in my field.

Day I
This dreadfully loc'ed honeycombed Adonis sat in a panel before me. As he gazed into the audience, I couldn't help but stare until our eyes met. Then an uncomfortable disconnect appeared out of nowhere as we realized that our attention should be paid to the speaker, not on one another. But he saw me. I saw him. Mission accomplished.

Day II
me: (sitting at the bar smoking a cigarette like Bernadine)
middle aged black male: (walks by and grabs my shoulder while leaning into my left ear in passing) It's gonna be hard for me to read down here now that you've arrived...
me: (startled) Oh whatever... (laughter)

Day III
Passed Adonis in the hall. We exchanged niceties. I complement him on his sense of humor from an earlier presentation. No indepth conversation. We continued to speak in passing for the remainder of the week.

Day V
me: (answering hotel phone) Hello?
caller: Hey! I remembered your name from your badge and got your room number from the front desk. You sat next to me in the computer lab. Remember?
me: Yeah. How are you?
caller: I've seen you around this week and I've been wanting to say hello but you seem a little standoffish. When you smiled and chit chatted in the computer lab today I was like, "Wow, he's friendly."
me: (laughter)

I agreed to meet this new acquaintance (not Adonis) in the bar and we continued the stimulating conversation.

Day VI
Last day. I called nessa/e.badu for an update and casually mentioned the state of conference aphrodisia.

nessa: Adonis?...tall, light-skinned, dreads, from that city? Work for the Agency?
me: (reluctant) yeah?!
nessa: That's Lamentation's ol' piece.
me: You lying!
nessa: He's married now.
me: To who?
nessa: Some boy that work for another Agency. Got a house together and everything...
me: You lying!
nessa: Argghhhh!! I need to see a man about a horse!! Hold on...lemme call Lamentation on 3-way...

I continued to gag into the night. How easily angels fall from Heaven...

2004-02-18T14:32:00.000-06:00

Trial of the Century

Claire from SprintPCS: You have one new message. Message one:
Ol' Piece: What the Hell is going on? You owe me an explanation. What was this morning about? I don't get you. Your attitude is intolerable. You got issues, man. Exhale into the receiver... And I figured you wouldn't answer your phone. This has been a waste of time.
me: (thinking) If one more person tells me about my attitude!?!? What the f*ck!? Am I...? I'll reflect on that later...

Email to Ol' Piece

Ol' Piece,

You continue to amaze me with your cluelessness!!! You said, "I owe you an explanation!?" Huh!?

Last night before you finally went to bed, you asked "Are you still mad?" To me, this denotes some wrongdoing or discernment of unresolved issues. Therefore, you're not as baffled as you're making yourself seem.

For the record, let me break it down for you:

1. On yesterday, you made arrangements for dinner of some sort. You never finalized those plans.

2. You showed up unannounced around 11pm with an attitude about work issues unrelated to me. I tolerated it.

3. You left around 11:30pm to get YOURSELF something to eat. What happened to dinner?

4. You returned at 4:00am from Thugged Out Tuesday wide eyed and bushy tailed and disturbing my sleep. Your response, "You're normally up around this time!" No, YOU'RE normally up around that time. I go to bed when I am not up entertaining you.

5. You proceed to rumble around the apartment in and out of the bed...in and out of the bathroom...making phone calls...turning lights on...all while I was trying to go back to sleep. How respectful was that? Was it in retribution for not hopping out of bed when you arrived?

6. I wake up this morning and you are all covered with my blanket. I only have the sheet. And that's not coincidental!

In addition, it seems as though boundaries were crossed and miscommunicated. I mistakenly gave you an all-access pass to my apartment. Do you not realize the countless number of days you spent the night, took showers, cooked/ate, watched tv, washed clothes, etc.? You even had in/out priveledges because many times I was not even home! Do you not realize the number of times you loaded the dishwasher, cleaned out the oven, washed out the tub, made the bed, vaccumed the floor, etc.? I do. Zero! Unfortunately, sleeping to 3pm daily and not even getting up to wash a dish is unattractive to me. I made the mistake of allowing you to lay up all day long (alone if I went to work) and not making it clear that we were not roommates and that MY name was on the lease. Simply put, you got too comfortable.

Nevertheless, don't feel like you've wasted your time. I know I didn't. I enjoyed getting to know you. I still think you're a great person. In our first real conversation you asked, "What turns you off?" I replied, "Laziness/lack of ambition and people who are caught up in the 'top/bottom' issue of sex" amongst other things. Those are two issues that we have DEFINITELY dealt with. Whether we overcame them or not is questionable. I guess that is the real reason why we are where we're at. I promise you that anytime that you've felt that I've had an "attitude problem," I could trace it back to one of those issues. I guess the question then becomes, did I communicate those issues well. Probably not. I know I made plenty of comments related to laziness and we had numerous tugs of war as it related to sex...so I know I tried.

Other than that, I don't know what else to say...

The Rebuttal:

HypnotiqOne,

I am amazed at just how much of an asshole you can be.

Lack of ambition, laziness...Those are not words that can be used to desribe me.

And how many times have I, without thanks gone to the grocery store to keep something in YOUR refrigerator.

Now, about dinner last night. I didn't get my money so I couldn't take you out or pick something up. And I went out by myself because I never seem to be able to talk to you about how I am feeling and what is bothering me, so I wind up having to deal with them on my own.

In the beginning you said something to me...."if you want something done, you had better do it yourself." You swear that none of this was you.

The top and bottom shit, could have been worked out, but I am glad that I didn't let that shit happen. You definitely didn't derserve that from me. You can find someone else to blast at, and then turnaround and try and have.

See, you are so good at picking out someone elses faults but, what have you done lately. And the open access to your place...thanks.... You must not think I am really a great person...check the insults in your previous email.

Deal with the shit that's real, and stop avoiding it. You are mad because I came in and turned on lights and tried to wake you up? I remember you doing me the same way, but you actually got my full attention. Yea, I was drunk and I wanted to be with you, but as usual your feelings comes first. You need someone who is going to keep score and count the things you do and don't do. The problem is, I am not that person. You need someone who doesn't mind being molded and transformed. Again, I am not the one. You need someone who is going to just accept your shit with a smile.... Once again, I am not the one. You need someone you can talk down to and looked down on; not this one.

You will be by yourself until you learn to give a little homie, and that has nothing to do with access to your apartment. You need to learn that not everyone is out to get you. I will tell you this, I have been who you are now, and I didn't understand why I couldn't keep people around me. My friends were there but no one else was. I was fucking and shit, but that's about it...I couldn't get them to stick around past that. You are cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, selfish, unhappy, and very confused. I may be "clueless", but I am in no way thoughtless.

Welcome to your future....And to think, I really was thinking that I could be with you long term. I guess GOD does reveal things to you right on time......

The Cross Examination

Ol' Piece,

You asked for an explanation. What I wrote previously is as blunt as I could make what is running through my mind right now...asshole or not!?

Yes, you went to the grocery store...FOR YOU!!! Aside from several 2-liter Kroger sodas, most things purchased were for your own consumption. I don't really like pizza, candy, or bread...remember?

Did you try to talk about what you were feeling last night or did you run away? Not once did you explain the dinner situation. Was I supposed to psychically find out that you didn't get your money? I would have paid for dinner. I was waiting on you, hungrily.

I have no regrets about anything that we did sexually.

My faults:

controlling
arrogant
decisive
moody
argumentative
Do you prefer I go on?

You were drunk and wanted to be with me? Explaining #'s 1-6 from the previous email would have been a great aphrodisiac.

I don't need anyone to keep score. I do that fine myself. :-)

Mold and transform are such strong words. To me, it's just compromise and agreements.

I don't need anyone to accept my shit and smile. If I'm right, I'm right. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I need someone of comparable strength and tenacity to point these things out.

I don't need someone to talk down to or look down upon. If that were the case, I would be satisfied with the lazy/less ambitious person.

And my most recent problems have been related to getting people to NOT stick around, i.e. restraining orders.

"cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, selfish, unhappy, and very confused" seems a little too harsh. But I'll marinate on it.

Finally, I think you are a wonderful person. Truly I do. Although we've bumped heads on most issues that we've discussed, I too felt as though I was putting up with alot. You are worthwhile. And I am still open to you. I don't know what the problem is with our communication. Alot of what I've said has been on my mind but I never quite wanted to say it for fear of being "cruel, cold, unforgiving, uncaring, and selfish." Should I shut up, hold it in, drink, go to the club or bitch? I've done it all.

I fear we may have moved too fast without getting to know each other. Shit, I don't know.

Closing Argument

HypnotiqOne,

I know that you are not the person that I tend to get. Compromise is not what you seek. You seek to make me something that I am not. Lazy, I will tell you this; there are several things that I could be doing with my day and nights, but the fact that I play and coach is what I want to be doing right now. That doesn't make me less ambitous and definitely doesn't make me lazy. I owe it to myself to do what I feel is right for me. I am the only person I live for.

I am so sorry for not making it clear what was wrong with me, but I was bothered by our phone conversations. I will not lie to you and say that I am over you. You are so important to me and I only wanted to make you happy, but it always seemed to come at my expense. I didn't know that the things I was doing bothered you. I wish that I could wave a wand and make shit right for us, but I don't know how to baby. Communication is our big problem. I am missing what you want me to see, and you are definitely missing me on levels. I just want you to be calm and real with me. If I piss you off that much then we should not be around each other at all. I need a healthy amount of reading, but I also need to feel like you want me. I don't feel that at all. My faults are not something that I have thought about, and that's absolutely crazy, but its the truth. I have spent so much time blaming you and being mad at you, that I missed my time in the mirror. I am very non confrontational now, and that is so not me. I would rather run away from issues with people than deal with them.

I am very sorry for the things I haven't done, but you are still an asshole...

All I can say is...touche'

2004-02-17T14:17:00.000-06:00

The short weekend began with longing ~ Harvey Pekar

I was under the assumption that I had survived this past weekend until I received this email:

Hi Whits!

I just wanted to thank you for that gorgeous blouse! It's so me. Sorry, but I donated all of my red to Lamentations, I'll keep you in mind next time...lol

I sent you an evite for Lamentations' party--thanks for the idea.

I also wanted to let you know what a supreme bitch you were on Saturday night. I know that you are a Delta, so we will eternally be different, but it can't be fun being that nasty. I was really shocked. Ironically, Lamentations contends that he knows that side to you, and consequently, was not shocked; though I know you are a supreme bitch, you have never made me feel unwelcomed in your home, but I guess that's a Delta for ya...go figure.

Well, it's your life...

xoxo,

nessa

ps. Gee, I wonder why your pieces are not only crazy, but act the total fool!--co-thought of Lamentations.

I replied:

You're welcome for the blouse!

I look forward to the evite.

"Supreme bitch," never that. I think you and Lamentations may have misinterpreted my mood. I am unable to be as animated and dramatic as you two seem to be 24/7. There are times wherein I simply want quiet conversation and tranquil moments. I think the two of you may have expected a "party hardy" personality, when that wasn't what I was feeling. Yes, it was a Saturday night...and the two of you did come from a festive tea at Chili's...but nonetheless, I was home arguing with one of my pieces on the phone and waiting on Gianni to arrive. Two opposing mood altering evenings which collided together in my home.

And I never expected one to feel unwelcome either. I thought my somber mood was identifiable by the phone conversation prior to you all's arrival. I should have taken that opportunity to say, "not tonight." But I felt that that would have been rude. And then too, I also recall hearing Lamentations say in the background, "Whatever Whits, we coming anyway!" It wasn't a problem though. I just assumed that the two of you knew my mood.

And what was so rude anyway? I probably should have provided more sitting area. But other than that, we laughed at Saturday Night Live, read Kelis, etc. The only awkard moment was when Lamentations asked, "What's so funny Whits?" And I wasn't laughing and stated such. After all was said and done, I then called Lamentations' cell to report that Gianni and I were going to Bulldogs as you requested. But I'm still the bitch.

Nevertheless, I do apologize for any hurt feelings. That was never my intention.

Finally, let us be in wonderment of our own pieces and/or the lack thereof, in any regards to how it may or may not relate to any perceived personality flaws.

Bitch

Drama! And I swear that I am NOT upset. I also know that there are two sides to every story, but that is how I see it. I felt attacked by the email and felt the need to defend myself. Nevertheless, Lamentations' party is this Saturday, so I hope everything is resolved by then.

2004-02-13T20:14:00.000-06:00

Friday the 13th

I'm not superstitious, but I assumed that because the sun finally decided to appear in Atlanta today that all would be good.

So I psyched myself into taking a realistic thought into what tomorrow is, that b*tch ass punk muthaf*cka St. Valentine, and then I realized that I have totally eliminated all of my recent possibilities for love.

I was working with a good pool of four delectable goodies. That four has dwindled ever so fast to ZERO! I'm picky, but not that damn picky!

Now it's on...

2004-02-11T18:41:00.000-06:00

Dance is the hidden language of the soul, of the body ~ Martha Graham - US dancer, choreographer

Last Friday night after leaving Red Chair, I decided to stroll on over to Club Colours and meet up with some other friends. I was already lushed, so I was glad to see them in the parking lot so that they could escort me into the club.

As I walked the "red carpet" back to the bar, I ran into familiar faces and greeted the paparazzi on the sidelines. Red Bull and Vodka is my new sh*t!

I'm really really hot//Everytime my record drops//Radio says I won't stop//Cuz I'm killin em ~ Missy

I'm on the dancefloor. The liquor makes me feel as though I am the only one. In reality, the floor is packed with very little room to move. I continue to dance...alone. (I enjoy dancing alone in the vicinity of friends for some strange reason.)

Urr body in the club getting tipsy//Urr body in the club getting tipsy ~ J-Kwon

At this point, I move in to grind with this guy dancing to my right. The interlude continues as the DJ switches musical genres.

From dem a par inna chi chi man car //Blaze di fire mek we bun dem!!!! (Bun dem!!!!) //From dem a drink inna chi chi man bar //Blaze di fire mek we dun dem!!!! (Dun dem!!!!) ~ TOK (Isn't it ironic!?)

We continue until the heat overwhelms us.

him: it's hot.
me: yeah
him: thanks for the dance.
me: no problem
him: are you from here?
me: yeah, you
him: Brooklyn
me: ok
him: what are you doing Sunday?
me: umm...nothing.
him: do you like dance? would you like to see Alvin Ailey?
me: yeah, i saw opening night on Thursday.
him: really, well you saw me perform.
me: oh, you're an Ailey dancer. i knew there had to be a reason for his body being so hard and toned. I have to introduce you to my friends!

So to make a long story short, TheDancer and one of his other friends along with myself and two of my other friends spent the weekend together with the limited amount of free time that Ailey dancers have on tour. Needless to say, I saw Alvin Ailey twice.

And one of my friends sent me this email on Monday to recap the weekend and summarize his findings.

Whits: (That's me)

So, you know I tried to watch the Grammy's and I fell asleep after Tony and Missy introduced somebody, or after that herendous Sam Jackson/Clinton/Outkast-Bboi/EW&Fire funk rendition. That sh*t was dredfull! Sam Jackson was his usual...

However, I wanted to call you to say Yoko Ono-Lennin's dress was not playing with the girls! Ellen was pretty in pink. Yo cuzin .50 was wrong for that prance across the stage, your alter-ego, Mary, should have left that chin-chilla at home! The hair was marvelous! Beyonce gave an interesting show. I wanted a medley. The dove was cute. JT put a lot of work into his performance; to be honest, I didn't think he had it in him. Did you notice my son was on Dre's lap?--I wonder where I was?--I think all the soul girls e.g., Badu, India, the missing Hill, Scott, Floetry ect. said good evening to Grammy. What do you think? Hillarious.

So, this weekend was Phenomenal! I'm still speechless! It's funny that Lamentations originally didn't want to go to Colours. I thought my chances of seeing Ailey were long gone! We actually went to 708 on a Saturday night. You and Lamentations were actually part of a double date. The list goes On&On...

I had such a great time. You are truly my friend, and I love you. The reads were so festive. My personal fave was: You know Nessa, I can't think of any of your works to compliment you on! That was such an ovah read!

So, I really want you to let it flow. I won't go into a diatribe of how bitchie you can be--which you know to be true--but, help us out, and try to allow sober Whits to meet 3-4 cocktails Whits--more often. No shade.

Expand your horizons as it pertains to distance friendships. TheDancer's certainly worth the thought; festive, professional, great energy, killer body, great spirit, and most important, he's nice.

So I still need the nasty slutty teas! Talk to ya later...

xoxo,
nessa/e.badu/SojTruth.

SoJ Truth,

Sup...when you called me yesterday I had just completed another timely discussion with Ol'Piece about his crazy ways. He had just spent the night and mid afternoon with me laying up in my bed NAKED (cause he was HOT!?) and adamantly refusing to have any sexual relations. Huh!? Why dost thou tempt me!? Fighting over sex...and not even REAL sex (i just wanted to kiss and a lil oral/jack off action) is gettin on my LAST nerve. So we parted ways again...not speaking!

Grammys
I really enjoyed the funk medley. It was educational to let people know Outkast didn't just appear out of nowhere like some have believed. That style/genre has been around way before "Hey Ya!" It has just been fused a lil differently with some Southern Comfort in way that wasn't seen when the West coast, namely Dr. Dre and Snoop, tried to funk it out.

Yoko Ono - snatched!

.50 - needs to get over himself

Mary - has a new fur line out so this winter she has really advertised her ass off. the canary tinted fur may have been a lil too much...but for JZ's Madison Square Garden concert she had on one ol' chocolate fur poncho! and good evening!

Beyonce' - Flawless from the Prince duet to the framed portrait...When Doves Cry...

JT - he did that same performance on Ellen...minus the trumpeter...I was impressed then. I like that "band style" performance on him better than the choreography and dancers.

E. Badu - she was there with that big ass Afro wig on in the audience. At one point she was holding Sevyn (it is ridiculous how he looks just like his Mama). I think she had them damn platinum fronts in her mouth too. I think I might be more apt to liking afrocentric eclectic Erykah than black panther radical Erykah. Hmmm...let me think on it.

Weekend
I enjoyed this past weekend too. Mesmerizing! We saw Ailey. We met Ailey and B-way dancers. Wow! I certainly am open to befriending TheDancer. He's so sweet. We didn't fuck, as I know you assumed. We were tired and it was 7ish in the morning. We kissed, sucked each other's cocks (I know you hate when I say that...lol), and hunched. I ate his cakes while his body was contortioned into something that rivaled Cirque du Soleil. Then we got my Suave-Baby Powder fresh lotion and jacked off. I was on my back and told him to skeet skeet all over my chest. And that's what happened. Those are the "nasty slutty teas."

Any questions?

Whits/Mary/Bitch

2004-02-04T15:29:00.000-06:00

Black History Month

Despite "Nipplegate" and the "Bra ha ha" of last Sunday, I've learned that television still is modern society's necessary evil. And it is that time of the year when most of the networks and cable stations pay tribute to African Americans in their own special way.

I viewed the second half of America: Beyond the Color Line with Henry Louis Gates, Jr. last night. I found it to be frustratingly realistic at times. A thirteen year old was making $700 a day slinging drugs in Chicago...and we wonder why he didn't want to go to school!? The message I got: Young black men must learn to delay gratification for education. Part II airs tonight.

I also saw VH1 Goes Inside: Barbershop. It was a surprisingly well produced feature discussing all of the controversy surrounding the film with insider interviews with the cast and crew.

Then VH1 kept me at attention with the Fabulous Life of Lil Kim. For some reason gluttony and materialism is fun to watch. I continued to think about how many bills I could have paid off as each of her toy dogs' minks were displayed across the screen. It also made me think back to America: Beyond the Color Line because those flashy Hip Hop images are what black kids are striving for without realizing that true success is significance not Gucci or Bentley.

I then went back to PBS and caught James Baldwin: The Price of a Ticket. This documentary was an in depth account of the life and activism of a man that was ahead of his time. It also gave a glimpse into what it was like being black and gay at that time. It was quite interesting to see footage of him and his friends in the South of France carrying on and then to hear their emotional tributes on the day that Jimmie died.

Finally, I flipped back to TV ONE to catch 227 in syndication. Ain't nothing like Mary, Rose, Saundra, and Pearl reading each other on that stoop.

I can't wait to get home and see what's on TV tonight.

2004-02-03T17:08:00.000-06:00

Wait a Minute--Ray J

How long should two people date before beginning a relationship? Does the fact that I am posing the question give me my answer? I have been going back and forth with this issue for a while now...to no avail.

After an intoxicating night at Club Colours on Friday, "Last Call" was finally announced. The DJ played Alicia's "You Don't Know My Name" as a wind down. And Ol' Piece approached me.

Ol' Piece: I'm leaving.
Me: Okay
He looks away but still stands in front of me.
Me: Umm...Do you want me to walk you out?
Ol' Piece: Yes
I follow him to his car. It's approximately 42 degrees outside with a slight breeze.
Me: It's cold.
We get into his car.
Ol' Piece: You feeling your cocktail, huh?
Me: What!?
Ol' Piece: You act different when you drink.
Me: You were watching me?
Ol' Piece: Yeah, I knew where you were at all times.
I began to remember all of the people I talked to...all of the dances I had.
Me: (laughter) You want me to be your boyfriend?
Ol' Piece: Yes
Me: (laughter...then a kiss)

Since that night, Ol' Piece and I have had numerous conversations about whether or not we should take it to the next level. I don't think that I'm ready. It's only been two and a half months since my last perilous relationship. And Ol' Piece and I are still within a power struggle, which is working my last nerve! He says my mouth can be viscious and venomous. He's right. It's due, in part, to what I had to deal with with TheEx. However, I see that he's being as patient as possible. We both have quite a few issues that need to be worked out. But for now, I can only hope that he be steadfast and unmovable until I am ready to let him in.

2004-01-30T18:30:00.000-06:00

Eating habits...

Breakfast
I'm driving and checking voicemail while sipping on fruit punch on my way to work.

Claire from SprintPCS: You have two new messages. First new message:
Gianni: Yeah...Where are you? I've just checked into my hotel. About to have breakfast and then stop by a trunk show at Versace in South Beach. Call it!

Why is one of my best friends on an abrupt vacation in Miami with a mystery man!? Scandalous!? This leaves me to hold it down in Atlanta all by myself this weekend. What am I gon' do!?

Lunch
I am on my cellphone with Ol' Piece as I walk in the door of Dusty's Barbecue. Three Asian guys (one with cornrows) and a black guy are seated near the "To Go Orders" counter and they hold strong eye contact as I approach them and the waiter behind the register. I know my 6'4, 175lb frame dressed in a vintage Camel jacket and Diesel jeans carries a bit of a presence with it. But, being gay, I've also learned to hold stares out of the need to know what the other person (people) are giving. Is it time for me to buck up and dare a bitch to get on my level? Or is it simply nature's force of attraction--gaydar? I held my stare as long as I could until I was at the service counter. It would have required me to walk backwards if I wanted to remain at attention. And that wouldn't have been too cute. So, I do all of this while continuing a conversation on my cell phone. Then I get to the counter and place my order. I can feel all eight eyeballs piercing my latissimus dorsi. I attempt to manage three conversations simultaneously (Ol' Piece, Waiter, Table of Four).

Me to Ol' Piece: Hold on.
Me to Waiter: Can I get a shredded pork sandwich with fries and a large Coke?
Me to Ol' Piece: I really don't feel I owe you any obligation into telling you of my whereabouts last night.
Table of Four: incomprehensible chatter...Yeah he's gay. His shoes match his jacket. more incomprehensible chatter

I turn around (cell phone to ear) and face the table while making full eye contact. Their conversation ceases. They begin to talk amongst themselves as their food arrives. I walk to the adjacent table in front of them and take a seat to wait on my "To Go" order. I discreetly observe their demeanor and conclude that they're probably straight and simply making commentary just as I do when I'm with my friends. No need to go all Stonewall!! However, this is the attention that I love.

Dinner
I am going home to watch Oprah's Birthday Bash for the fourth time. I will hold up a glass and toast along with John Travolta and Gayle King. I will sit there with whatever fast food I pick up (probably Popeyes) on my way home and celebrate again and again and again. Happy Birthday, Oprah!

2004-01-28T18:58:00.000-06:00

I'm a Punk under pressure...Put dat money on the dresser!--Katey Red

Back in 1996, I moved from Atlanta to New Orleans for undergrad and became addicted to New Orleans BOUNCE music. It was totally different from the booty shake that I had profusely sweated to at every junior high afterschool dance and then once again at Junior/Senior Prom. This new phenomenon contained chants, call and response, and strict choreography for most of the cuts. I definitely remember my "What the f*ck!?!" moments at every Greek party or club I visited. People were lined up on the floor dancing, i.e. "wobbling, titty bopping, monkeying on a stick" in total syncopation to the rhythm of the music. So, of course after about 6 months, I was hooked. This was also the same time at which Master P and No Limit blew up. So as a newfound New Orleans resident, I immersed myself in the musical stylings within the local scene. And it didn't hurt that Mercedes and Kane and Abel were fellow (former) students at the time.

One of the most gagging moments of my college days was an exciting revelation about one of New Orleans most popular local artists. With BOUNCE music, the beat typically drove the song for me. I was definitely conscious of a voice spitting lyrics, however I seldom took the opportunity to comprehend those lyrics. They were simply phrases serving as musical accompaniment.

Katey Red is a dick sucka//Katey Red is a dick sucka
Um a ho, I know um a ho//Um a ho, I know um a ho

I remember stopping and thinking about what my mouth was saying while my body was bouncing from side to side. This girl sure is nasty!? Then, after careful analysis of that particular song and a subsequent follow up, the epiphanic moment hit.

Katey Red is transgender.

So as I reminisced on that moment, I decided to investigate more. I was surprised to see Katey referenced in so many articles and websites around the world. Kudos!

Check out this BOUNCE music documentary film coming soon featuring Katey Red.

2004-01-27T19:36:00.000-06:00

This is just a test!

Bernie and Ronn took a pop quiz...

1. Do you expect to receive a Valentine's Day wish from someone special this year?
No...not really. F*ck St. Valentine!! Great expectations create major disappointment. Not really my type of holiday anyway.

2. What is the biggest fib you've ever put on a resume?
Never that...would HATE to be exposed and/or fired for something like that. You know your coworkers would talk about you for life. And what would I tell my Mama? Plus, I have worked for a world famous soft drink company who has pulled people out of training to get "clarifications" on resumes and applications.

3. Are you generally optimistic or pessimistic about your financial future in 2004?
Definitely optimistic. Currently cleaning up my credit and eliminating superfluous spending as I type this. However, as soon as I consider student loans pessimism finds her way back into my life.

4. Which of the following would you most like to be, and why:
a. A famous artist or entertainer
b. A world class athlete
c. A wealthy business owner.
d. An influential politician or community leader
D, as an influential politician or community leader I can expect to have some sense of fame like A and wealth like C. Athleticism is limited to youth.

5. Have you ever engaged in a sexual act (including masturbation) at a place where you worked?
Never that...time will tell though. I'm discreetly open to it.

6. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? How many and where?
4 piercings...3 in ears and one in the tongue. Rarely do I wear any of them anymore. It was just a phase! Please forgive me!

7. What did you eat the last time you had a late night hunger craving?
A left over fried chicken thigh with crimson Louisiana hot sauce dripping ever so delicately.

8. Do you know for whom you'll be voting for president, either in a primary or the general election?
Nope...I've only been lazily reading liberal political blogs, listening to Tavis, Bill Maher, and the occasional CNN or FoxNews report to make an educated decision.

9. The Super Bowl is this weekend. Will you watch for the game, the halftime show or the commercials?
I will be watching for Beyonce's rendition of the National Anthem and Janet Jackson's half time performance only. That sounds SO gay!? I could seriously careless about the game. I will look for a party or go to ESPN Zone for the hype though.

10. If either were to come your way today, which would be more welcome; a check for $200 or two hours of hot, sweaty, butt nekkid sex?
$200 fo sho!! I can get "hot, sweaty, butt nekkid sex" easily!

2004-01-26T21:45:00.000-06:00

Let Freedom Ring!

The Fab Ones (TheMost, Gianni, TheScroller and myself) enjoyed quite a festive weekend celebrating and honoring the good Reverend Doctor two weekends ago. It became quite overwhelming at times.

Friday: From Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport to my apartment (Change Clothes...and Go...) to Club Colours in an hour and a half. Club was crazy packed. I got to meet TheMost's newest NYC friends who were also in town. Gianni acted suspiciously possessive of one of his pieces/dates who was in attendance as well. TheScroller met a cute Bronx boricua and disappeared into the night. I reaquainted myself with TheHobbit whom I met at a New Year's party in the Cascades. We kissed and exchanged numbers before leaving that night.

Saturday: The Fab Ones supported Gianni as he was the photographic model featured in the opening of an art exhibit at the Hammond House Galleries in the West End. I must go to more gallery openings featuring black art/artists. It's Bohemian rhapsody at it's best! From there we went to the Fulton Cotton Mill Lofts for a party in which The Ex was in attendance. Suffice it to say, we didn't stay there long. Plus the tacky and ignorant host was CHARGING for cocktails. Hmph!? Finally, we ended up at the B2B party at Spice. I ended up going home with TheHobbit for one ol' impromptu session.

Sunday: Brunch at IHOP. Then a stroll through Lil' 5 Points for phrase t-shirts, i.e. "Soul Brother" and two hours at the neighborhood Target store. (Change clothes...and Go...) Arrived at a jam packed Lion's Den. Ran into a FORMER friend who used to be a part of The Fab Ones, however it has been over two years since any of the current members have seen or wanted to hear from him. It's interesting to watch the non verbals of the guilty and defeated...arms folded...no eye contact...typical avoidance behavior. Karma is a muthaf*cka! And the silent presence of the surviving four has to be the deadliest weapon of revenge. There was no need for a brawl! We also saw Rah Digga kill it on stage and then Fire Marshall Bill shut it on down.

Monday: TheMost and I went to the King Center to pay homage and respect to the man that helped make it all possible.

How festive...

2004-01-26T20:19:00.000-06:00

Whose Hip Hop is it anyway?

Here's an interesting article on the efforts of the Hip Hop Generation in keeping Dr. King's legacy alive. The web links are impressive and worthy of perusal.

On Hip Hop and Human Rights...

By: Tchaiko Omawale

Mainstream media loves Dr. King`s "I have a dream" speech. The desire to portray Dr. King as a "safe" pacifist Black man who simply wanted Blacks and Whites to come together is inaccurate. Dr. King also protested the Vietnam War and, in the "I have a dream" speech, spoke of police brutality, unjust imprisonment, and warned that "1963 is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual."

Decades later, it seems the nation has returned to business as usual. It might be argued that we have more Blacks in positions of power than ever before: in government, the private sector and especially with hip hop becoming a billion-dollar industry. However, for people of color in the U.S., police brutality is still a problem, schools are still largely segregated with sub-standard education levels, the prison population is exploding especially with non-violent offenders, and HIV/AIDS is ravaging the Black and Latino populations. Not only has the call for civil rights not been answered but the neglect of human rights has also come to the forefront of the injustices of this government.

Unfortunately, the older generation frequently sees the hip-hop generation as having reversed the gains of the civil rights movement. Publicly, the Sit-In generation has attacked figures in hip-hop music for using the "N" word and portraying negative images in the media. However, this is only a small section of the hip-hop generation, and even those being attacked deserve more respect and understanding, as the world we live in is far more complex than it was in the `60s. The hip-hop generation is neither resting nor tranquil. Instead, we are struggling to resist injustice in our own ways.

To constructively criticize the hip-hop generation, understanding the world we live in is essential. The world has shrunk with advances in the Internet and other communication tools. The current generation`s struggle is not as simple as Black and White getting along, or Blacks getting the same treatment as the few, rich White men in power, but is layered with issues around globalization, homophobia, sexism and an America that has become expert in hiding its injustices by using the very people it is racist and unjust towards. One example is seen in ads run in 2003 by the U.S. army in hip-hop Source magazine that attempted to recruit black teens. The army used hip-hop imagery to seem cool, to entice teens to fight for a country that has failed to secure their basic human right to education and health care and increasingly imprisons them for non-violent crimes of poverty.

Increased individualism is another consequence of our technological world; however, the struggle to survive and uplift community still remains as it did in the civil rights era. Consider commercial rapper Jay-Z, who says, "Truth be told … I wanna rhyme like Common Sense (But I did five Mil) … We as rappers must decide what`s most important and I can`t help the poor if I`m one of them. So I got rich and gave back. To me that`s the win, win." Jay-Z has chosen his own way of giving back, using money from his lyrics.

On the other side, you have rappers such as Dead Prez who advocate revolutionary actions reminiscent of the Black Panthers. Dead Prez are members of the National People`s Democratic Uhuru Movement and have participated in countless political events and panels. M1 of Dead Prez sits on the advisory board of a new organization called H2Ed a Hip Hop Education Program along with several other hip-hop figures such as Danny Hoch from the Hip Hop Theatre festival.

H2Ed uses hip-hop culture as a tool for educational reform. So while the music industry remains the focus of criticism, it should be known that there are scores of other youth who are struggling to uphold Dr. King`s message. Many young people who don`t have Jay-Z`s millions choose community-organizing as their way of giving back. The global village of this generation consists of identities beyond Black and White-Latino, immigrant, homosexual-and thus organizing platforms follow these multiple identities.

Youth-led Prison Moratorium Project has a multi-ethnic staff and is a part of the Drop the Rock Campaign, which fights to bring down the Rockefeller drug laws. The group`s grassroots collaborative work encouraged Russell Simmons to organize rappers such as Puffy, Jay-Z and Memphis Bleek to protest the unjust laws that disproportionately imprison Blacks and Latinos for non-violent offenses. Hip-hop music both "conscious" and "commercial" is used to empower and educate other young people.

This generation has also produced a mighty force of justice fighters for non-traditional issues in non-traditional ways. Caushun, the first openly gay rapper, courageously rhymes about his sexuality. HIV/AIDS is the number-one killer among certain demographics in the Black and Latino community. In the world, it is the modern-day plague. AIDS specialists cite homophobia as one of the factors involved in the epidemic and Caushun`s sexual openness is revolutionary in these times.

Highlighting the positive actions of the hip-hop generation is in no way an attempt to portray us as being perfect. There is room for improvement, and contradictions do exist in our movement. It's important to understand that the act of recognizing these contradictions in a non-judgmental way is freeing, and an analysis of this contradiction is progressive and political. The goal for the hip-hop and the Sit-In generation, whose legacy we do uphold, should be respectful discussions, outside of the courtrooms, because we have much to learn from each other. And as the old cliché goes, united we stand and divided we fall.

For more information on Youth activists check out the Future 500 website.

Tchaiko Omawale, a recent recipient of the Gaea Sea Residency Fellowship for artists working for social change, is the Creative Director and Co-Founder of the Conscious Movements Collective. She has also produced the short narrative film His/herstory on polygamy in Atlanta, which is now featured in several national and international film festivals.

2004-01-15T20:03:00.000-06:00

In a State of 'Embogglement'...

I can't believe it's Thursday already! The Fab Ones (myself and three bestfriends) will all be together for King Weekend or Black Gay Pride II as it has been deemed. Nevertheless, I'll be hosting. Tomorrow night TheMost (formerly TSB) flies in from NYC and TheScroller will be touching down from New Orleans. Gianni and I, the ATL locals, will be the tour guides. I will have to formulate an itinerary, clean up, buy groceries, go to the liquor store and do all of the other hosting duties at the last minute. BOGGLED!!!

I printed out the "How-To" manual to begin the web hosting project. I could take the simpler route and use one of the wackass templates that the site provides...but for that I might as well keep this BlogSpot. Or I could enlist help and get a big league, major playa, first round draft site! I'm thinking I need HELP! BOGGLED!!!

I am fortunate enough to say that I have a really good boss. I think of him as one of my mentors. When I've had the young professional jitters, supervisory squabbles, etc. he has had my back. He sincerely looks out for my best interest. I've gained a wealth of on-the-job training from him. We both met yesterday and he told me that I had been awarded a raise! Yeah baby!--Austin Powers It was promised and expected a while back so I was actually just being informed that it all has been processed with HR. However, today at a staff meeting he announced that he was relocating to Kentucky for a Professorship. It turns out that Wifey thought Atlanta was too urban. Huh!? BOGGLED!!!

Ol' Piece is going to New Orleans for a Volleyball Tournament this weekend. BOGGLED!!!

I will survive!

2004-01-14T16:38:00.000-06:00

Like Oprah, I am taking ownership of my name...

I have decided to start my own website...or do I mean "web host?" I don't know!? I am new to this ish! (Thanks Donald for the info on 1 and 1.)

I have now spent the last 2 hours or so on the 1 and 1 website trying to figure out what to do. Help me, Jesus! I WILL figure all of this out! This, I swear!

2004-01-13T22:03:00.000-06:00

All the Wiser...

I got all four of my Wisdom Teeth out on Friday. Everyone that I informed prior to surgery belittled the experience. Oh, you'll be alright. It'll heal in about 4-5 days. It's not that bad! F*ck that!! It has been a rough 5 days!!

I should have known when I floated out of the operating chair towards Ol' Piece's arms in a spectacular state of euphoria that there was an opposing physical state lurking right behind happiness. Out of anticipation and fear, we rushed to CVS to get my Hydrocodone prescription filled. By the time I had gotten a smoothie, my face was disfigured and the numbness was disapating. All I know is that it took 2 Advils and 3 Hydrocodone to get me to some form of sanity that night and each day has been a challenge ever since.

I am also surprised that Ol' Piece actually opted to "take care" of me during the recuperation. It gave us an opportunity to REALLY get to know one another. I have self-proclaimed myself as NOT being a "phone-person," (I hate talking on the phone with people I don't know very well. It's awkward.) so I was relieved at the opportunity of us being in one another's presence...talking. In hindsight, it was sort of like a retreat. Just the two of us. Alone. Not going out for entertainment. Creating our own. I think the most important aspect was that none of the time spent together included Sex. That would have ruined the dynamics. It was great, minus the discomfort of the surgery. I would actually recommend and probably try this tactic again in the future. I think I got a lot of issues resolved and questions answered. (Or did I!?)

WAIT...lemme preface this...

I admit that I have my OWN issues with power and control in relationships. And those issues extend into different arenas within the relationship, e.g. sex. Being the bag lady that I hate to be, I have always in the past struggled to get to a state of compromise with the men that I am attracted to over all of this. I am attracted to men who are SO similar to myself that I have a hard time diciphering who is going to get to be me. And of my friends, I seem to be the only one who goes through this issue. For them it tends to be cut and dry...I play this role...they play that role when it comes to the men that they date. But due to my versatility and attraction to such, there is always this "game" being played initially in order to figure one another out. Maybe it's just me playing the game!? I don't know!? Sometimes I feel really crazy when I try to rationalize dysfunctionality.

Back to the story...

Ol' Piece may or may not be a "top." I didn't ask. It would have been rude and irrelevant. However, we had an interesting conversation about the value of sex as an Idea and the value of sex as an Act.

Sex as an Idea:
Ol' Piece - the idea of sex is so important that after four failed relationships due to the partners' infidelity and then giving himself to Hedonism through his recent Summer Sex-capade, he has decided to abstain from sex until he is in a relationship.

Me - the idea of sex is so important that I don't put much emphasis or value in it. To do that would diminish it's beauty. If I decide to abstain (and sometimes I do) that is okay. If I decide to put myself out there and enjoy a taste (and indeed I do) that is okay as well.

Sex as an Act:
Ol' Piece - the act of sex is not that important. It is simple. You just do it. "I don't like too much foreplay."

Me - the act of sex is very important. It is another form of communication. How we do it communicates way more than any word could possibly do. Each embrace, each thrust, every moan, and every quiver.

Interesting...to say the least. I really enjoy getting to know him. We're always agreeing to disagree. But that's okay.

Movies we watched:

Gosford Park
Love Liza
Jeepers Creepers 2
Iron Ladies
Igby Goes Down

2004-01-07T21:17:00.000-06:00

Randomly thinking...

* What the Hell are B2K thinking? Is this a family dispute? Aren't they all cousins or something? Why do the least talented ones always wanna pull stunts like this!? Just chill and ride the wave! Just sit back and pretend like you don't care that Omarion is singing all of the lead and starring in ya'lls new movie. Just wait on Chris to distribute dem royalty checks! Establish yourselves a nice savings account and continue to smile and make the girls AND boyz holla!

* Britney, please stop using the media to sell records! I beg you! I'm really sorry if album sales are disappointing. Things'll get better.

* I want Elecia Battle to stop it!

* How dis happened and then you have the audacity to RUN!?

* Interesting...to say the least. No so much Joi, but Truth Hurts!?

* Where is Maxwell?

* Statistics on disparity continue to scare me!

2004-01-06T18:01:00.000-06:00

Who Can I Run To?--Jones Girls

Shhh
Break it down
I don't want nobody else to hear the sound
This love is a private affair
Interrupt the flow, no you better not dare
Shhh
We got to break it on down--Tevin Campbell

I was so in love with Tevin Campbell in the early 90's. He was my first gay crush. Instinct told me at such a young age that he was me and I was him. I felt hurt and betrayed by the incident in LA, but I forgave him.

me: You didn't have to do that.
tevin: It's hard...See, you just don't understand...I can't be like you.
me: I never asked you to be.
tevin: The industry is so jaded.
me: Live for you, not them.
tevin: I know, I got caught up. The drugs, secrecy, image...
me: (looking at the floor) I guess...
tevin: Things are different for me now. Look at me.
me: (looking up)
tevin: I'm sorry.

That's my fantasy. In reality, the dating game continues...

Jamaica
I have seen Jamaica out at all of the clubs that I frequent. It's funny how I never remembered meeting him and now I see him everywhere that I go. We cordially speak. The phone calls have ceased. I don't think either of us are disappointed. Plus, he's always in somebody's face anyway. And me, likewise. Another one bites the dust...

Baby Boy
Baby Boy calls me incessantly. I stopped answering the phone. I know he continues to call because my absence seems abrupt. When I did answer the phone he was always with his friends and either there was loud music or loud cackling in the background which proved quite annoying. But the honest to God truth is that I cannot handle his age. Intimacy, conversation, and recreation are all challenged because of the age gap. So what's the point in it?

Ol' Piece
"We Meet Again...
We met months ago. We talked. Things became rather standoffish. You saw me out with a date...twice. We stopped speaking. I ran into you again on Saturday. You "lost my number." Now we're reacquainted. Why do you prefer to text message me, rather than call? How do I tell you that I'm "in this situation?" Could we be? Will we ever know? Call me."--HypnotiqOne 9-15-2003

We never did talk after that. I met him once again right before Christmas at Club Colours. The Ol' Piece and I talked throughout the holidays. I explained that I had just gotten out of a relationship, which was the cause for the sporadic communication.

Now we're going through the awkwardness of figuring each other out. I already sense that he might be prone to being inconsiderate, eg. Choosing to go to El Chaparral after The Lion's Den even when I said I didn't want to go and reneging on other plans without prior notice.

In addition, I foresee an issue with sexual preference. I have never dated a "top." To be honest, I was surprised when he insinuated that he was such a thing. When we're "messing around," I try to read his body language, but it gets even more perplexing for me. (I proclaim to be "versatile" to avoid this type of situation.) Nevertheless, "top/bottomism" is about more than who's penis is going in who's ass. There are certain behaviors and beliefs that coexist. When we're "laying up," I want you to acknowledge that I have a dick too and it provides me just as much pleasure as yours does for you. Now touch it, suck it, do something! Stop grinding on me for God's sake! And Boo, it's okay to lay on your back and simply receive my affection. I'm not gonna slip my dick up in you, damn! But I know that too many times men attribute who's fucking who to dominance in the relationship and masculinity/femininity. But I don't believe that! Relax!

Me and Ol' Piece will just continue this power struggle until one of us gives in. And I don't mind "letting him get it," but I won't be comfortable enough until there is a resolution or a compromise about where we both stand relating to sex.

I'll try to bring up the topic tonight. He coaches a girls' volleyball team and they have a game. So I'll be there, like an NBA wife, supporting my man.

2004-01-02T18:18:00.000-06:00

Two Thousand and Four

Can you imagine the Holiday season without drama? I couldn't. But I experienced it. To my surprise, all of my family were on their best behavior. I suppose that this lesson in etiquette is due to the tumultuous fiasco that erupted over Thanksgiving. (I, luckily, was not involved due to a trip to NYC. But I heard about it all!) I would like to think that the "No More Drama-esque" Holiday season was also an effect of my aura of warmth and affection that's just too infectious to be denied by all in my company. My halo's luminescence brightens... I literally hopped from house to house throughout the whole 4 day trip. And ur'body's doing fine...

Mommie Dearest
Moms didn't bring up my "lifestyle" not one time. But I don't know if that's good or bad!? When I first got home, I walked by the television in the den and noticed the complete anthology of Tyler Perry classics.

me: Whatchu know bout Madea?
moms: This is the funniest thing I have ever seen!
me: Who told you about Tyler Perry?
moms: So and so had Madea's Family Reunion and told me to watch it. I have never cried laughing so hard.
me: I'm surprised you like it!

I see the Tyler Perry gospel stage plays as religious satire ("playing church"), drag (Tyler Perry as Madea), and overt sexuality (scantily clad male characters with wanton female counterparts). And these are the last things that I thought would be "funny" to Moms. I guess she's becoming more open minded!?

Young-One
Alex has really grown up. Maybe a little too much. His mother (my aunt) had an after Christmas get together at her house. All of the kids were in Alex's room with the PS2 while he was with all the grown folk gossiping. Periodically, he would go into his room only to return reporting what the other kids were doing. Jay is jumping on my bed. Kory's eating in my room. He's such a cliche--a Tattle Tell.

Nevertheless, I forgot how old Alex was as I began asking him questions about one of his mother's friends, Pretty Boy. I was exiting the door when Pretty Boy and a cute female arrived at the house. He didn't speak. We just looked at each other blankly. It was that look that says, Me: "Who are you? Him: "No, who are you?" The party was a mix of family and my aunt's friends. Neither groups really intermixed, strangely enough. So during one of my trips to the bar for Martell, my Aunt stopped me and introduced me to her friends, including Pretty Boy. The haze was lifted. I laughed and smiled as he referenced old skool samples in the Hip Hip that was playing courtesy of DMX Music. But suffice it to say, he wasn't as eligible as I thought he may have been thanks to all of the intel I got from Alex.

Alex also received the same cell phone that I have from Santa. Why a 10 year old needs a cell phone, I don't know!? And now he calls me every 2-3 days. I have began to let him leave me voicemails...

Alex: Hey, I was just calling to ask you who you thought was crazier Jessica Simpson or Ally Hilfiger? Call me back. Love you.

Sibling Rivalry
My lil' sister opted to go to NYC for Christmas with other family members in hopes that she would return in time to visit Atlanta too. It didn't work out. So I brought my brother and my 18 year old cousin back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I told myself that I would have a "conversation" with them to see where their headz were at concerning homosexuality. After cappucinoes at Apres Diem, I told them what I wasn't supposed to tell them. And it was met with a settling, "we already know..." Whew! Now let's move on.

Since then, I have probably shared my whole world with them. They met Gianni and Q. I have answered so many FAQ's that I'm ready to retire from being the poster boy.

Once again, the moral of the story is that I should stop being surprised by how people really don't give a f*ck about sexuality if you give them the opportunity to digest it.

All in all, I think that this is going to be a happy new year!

2003-12-22T17:54:00.000-06:00

Home for da Holidaze...

Tomorrow, I'm going home to Albany, Georgia for the Holidaze. This also denotes the time of the year at which I tip-toe back into the closet...or is it the "down low!?" But I must explain, this is to no fault of my own. It is actually at my Mother's request. I feel open enough to share my world with those that inquire. And my family usually will..."You're so handsome. Look at how you've grown up. Are you dating anybody? When you gon' get married? Gotta girlfriend?" But after I told Moms the "tea" in July 2002, she demanded that I keep this between her/stepfather and my dad/stepmother. I was not to tell anyone else. I'm sure she's still going through denial and hoping that this is a phase. But I try to continually remind her with small anecdotes about my so-called black gay life. (Maybe I should send her the link to this blog!?) Out of respect, I remain asexual and ambiguous while I am at home.

In addition, I have an effeminate 10 year old male cousin who I see everytime I'm at home. It is heartwrenching to watch "corrective" demands spewed upon him by adult family members in hopes that he will butch up. Don't sit like that! Go play with the boys. Stop crying so much! In the past two years, I have gotten into heated discussions with Aunts and even my Mother in defense of Alex. I find myself caught in the middle because I can't say what I want to say due to my Mother's shame and I don't know if I even should go so far. In a sense, I do believe that Alex needs to know the way of the world, specifically rural South Georgia. Our culture is homophobic, racist, heterosexist, et al. However, a part of coming into one's self is struggling and overcoming all of that. My only point with my family is that after it's all said and done, home should be a place of refuge filled with love, respect, and adoration after fighting with society's ills. One shouldn't have to go out into the world and fight demons and then come home and put up another Hellish fight with family. I want the family to accept and support Alex where he is now and for the person that he will grow up to be.

Nevertheless, I have invited my 18 year old brother and 16 year old sister to come back to Atlanta with me after Christmas. I never get to spend much time with them anymore. They grew up so fast. And sometimes it's hard to accept how much they admire me. They're so excited at the idea of visiting through New Year's. I'll get to watch my brother raid my closet and drape himself in old A/X, FCUK, A&F, and vintage pieces while looking like the last Metrosexual. My sister will just hang on to every word that comes out of my mouth, while being an observing and absorbing shadow.

Happy Holidaze!!!

2003-12-19T20:22:00.000-06:00

I'm a Visual Mathemetician...

TSB sent me an Emode link to test my IQ. Usually, I abhor such "tests" and "quizzes" but I decided to take this one. Plus, in the art and essence of competition (the link was sent to the other members of The Fab Ones--my three best friends) I eagerly submitted my answers to the website.

I scored a 124...but I don't know what that really means without paying $14.95 to get the personalized 15-page IQ report. Ugghh!! All the website told me was:

"This means you are gifted at spotting patterns -- both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction -- especially in the workplace."--Emode

Whatever...

2003-12-18T19:35:00.000-06:00

Looking For Mr. Goodbar--Judith Rossner

Here's an update to my quest for companionship...(that sounds so pitiful)

Men4Now
I'm thinking about retiring my Men4Now profile. Every other person on there complains about people using fake pictures on their profiles. That's so interesting to me. What are people's intentions when they finally meet someone and the truth is revealed!? I've met two people from this website. I was not deceived by any of their images online, luckily. I had lunch with one and I stopped by the other one's house on my way home from work one night. They were...okay. It's a totally different dynamic when you leave cyberland and enter the real world. It just wasn't as passionate once we were in one another's company. So both fizzled...

Gay.com
I met two White guys! That was a first for me. A coworker of mine (black female) told me that she sees me with a white boy. I was haunted by that statement for two days. What did she mean by that? I asked her and she replied, "I don't know. I just see you dating white guys." As a person who likes challenges, I went for it on Gay.com. Total busts! I felt like I betrayed Harriet, Sojourner, DuBois, Sista Souljah, and all of the African diaspora! I conversed as pleasantly as possible and promised to call them both later. I have too many issues right now for me to take it there.

Baby Boy
Baby Boy and I talk daily. We've had several "sleepovers" (I ask my Mama if he can spend the night...lol) and I've found myself becoming attached. I am very cautious though. I have to remind myself that he's basically still a kid. A "house kid" at that. I discovered through conversation that he is an active participant in Atlanta's gay ballroom scene. And I don't usually involve myself with gang bangers. I don't want to be too judgemental, so only time will tell.

Jamaica
Jamaica called me the following night after we met.

Jamaica: I'm sorry about last night.
me: (playing dumb) What for?
Jamaica: I don't know, but you seemed upset when you left.
me: Don't worry about it. It was my fault. I was so tired last night.

We have been playing phone tag since that conversation.

And the saga continues...

2003-12-16T18:30:00.000-06:00

It's getting late...Why you gotta be here?--Floetry

12:49am Cell phone rings...

me: Hello?
Unknown caller: Wassup?
me: Nothing...what's goin on?
Unknown caller: Nothing
me: (clearing my throat) I'm sorry...who is this?
Unknown caller: Jamaica...we met at Colours.
me: Okay...(silence)...when?
Jamaica: You wrote your number on a napkin. Home and cell...
me: What do you look like?
Jamaica: Light skin Jamaican from Jersey...buck sixty...six feet tall...
me: Hmmm...I don't remember meeting anyone...When was this?
Jamaica: It's been a minute...my moms passed...i went back to Jersey.
me: Okay...I don't remember...so wassup?
Jamaica: What time you work tomorrow?
me: Going in around noon. why?
Jamaica: I thought we could get together. Get some tea.
me: (thinking to myself: "Just like a damn Jamaican wanting some damn tea at this time of night") At one in the morning?
Jamaica: I mean we can meet up and figure it out.
me: I don't even remember you.
Jamaica: You will when you see me...promise
me: (smiling and laughing like a naive lil' girl) Whatever, yo.
Jamaica: I live in Lil' 5 Points

Jamaica's house phone rings in the background. I am put on hold for approximately 6 minutes as he answers. Why I hold? I don't know. Something is intriguing me.

Jamaica: Sorry. My best friend is going through something. You rolling through?
me: I don't know. Directions? Lemme take a shower. I'll call you back.

TSB: Hello?
me: Hey!
TSB: I called you earlier...
me: (interrupts) Why this guy called me saying I gave him my number at Colours and I have no recollection of any said guy?
TSB: You are so tired...
me: I need to stop drinking so much. Well, he asked me to stop by...
TSB: But you don't remember him...
me: Well, I haven't been as active as you and Gianni these pass two weeks, so...
TSB: Whatever! This could be a set up!
me: What?
TSB: The Ex...
me: You stupid! Why you trying to scare me?
TSB: (laughter)
me: Umma take a shower and pray on it and call you back...
TSB: (more laughter)

1:40am Driving to Jamaica's house. Baby Boy calls, I don't answer. The mystery has me excited. I arrive and he greets me with housephone to ear and beckons me inside. I DO NOT remember him. He's just as he described...cute in an average kind of way...accent a bit thicker in person. I sit on the couch. He continues the phone conversation. I watch CNN for about 10 minutes when he pauses to see the Strom Thurman/Black daughter story with commentary with whomever he is on the phone with. I listen too. Segment ends. His conversation continues.

me: (TSB's voicemail) I made it. That's "tired" that you're not answering your phone, but I'm safe.

I look at the decor of the apartment noticing family photos, mail on the coffee table, how all of the lights are on, the huge safari plants, and the smell of Patchouli inscense. Finally he tells the caller that he's being rude. (duh!) It is approaching 2:30am and he begins to tell me about his friend's drama...blah...blah...blah. And then he also tells me about his brother driving into Atlanta from Alabama at that moment and he is up waiting for his arrival. I listen. Then he gets quiet. We both stare at the television out of awkardness. I think to myself, If he makes a sexual move I guess I will cooperate...he's kinda cute...DAMN I'm tired...why am I here?... Then he tosses a napkin on my left knee. Sure enough...it's my name, home, and cell phone numbers in my very own manuscript.

me: (laughter) But I still don't remember you.
Jamaica: (laughter)

More awkward silence and television watching.

me: You're wide awake, huh?
Jamaica: Yeah, I usually work nights at the Marriott...Accounting...and I'm waiting on my brother. Are you tired?
me: (nodding yes slowly while my face is turned in the direction of the TV) Yep.

More awkward silence and television watching.

Jamaica: Are you asleep?
me: I think I dosed off.
Jamaica: You wanna call me tomorrow? I get off at 11.
me: At night?
Jamaica: Yeah.
me: That'll work.

I stumble to the door wondering why I came over to this boy's house? Then I wonder why he invited me? Inside I get angry for wasted time. He opens the door. I exit.

Jamaica: Call me when you get home.
me: (shaking my head in disgust, giving no response)

I drive home complaining about wasted time and then get in the bed and drift away. And it is only until now that I realize that I am the "tired" one for having such a low expectation for him and myself by simply considering the situation a booty call. I am so embarrassed. I probably won't call him tonight.

2003-12-15T20:21:00.000-06:00

Beyonce: "I've been born to do this. I want to be a triple threat, you know? I'm able to dance, sing, act, and I also write and produce. And that's very rare. They want to say it's because of the sexy clothes or it's because whatever else. No, it's because I'm talented. And I just want to be acknowledged for that."--Dateline NBC's
"Backstage Pass" with Katie Couric

After reading about Beyonce's most recent performance from kevinrscott and then once again from keithboykin, I realize that this girl is really "letting me have it!" Each time I want to discredit this newly crowned phenom for being a product of bad/good publicity + blatant sexuality + the help of a relentless stage dad, she performs on Oprah...the Billboard awards...and even an AIDS in Africa benefit and leaves my jaw gaping in awe. I never denied the girl's talent and I have to admit that she is recreating the prototype for the total package. And if history serves itself correctly (i.e. Diana, Tina, Aretha...and Mary's dramatic rise), this could probably be the makings of a new icon. But we'll see...I must say that I fear a Ja-Rule-esque bout with over-exposure real soon though.

2003-12-12T19:41:00.000-06:00

Baby boy you stay on my mind...Fulfill my fantasies...I think about you all the time...I see you in my dreams--Beyonce

After leaving P.A.L.S. Bingo last night, I contemplated how I would continue my efforts at being a newly divorced socialite. So I called Gianni to see if he had plans. He didn't. Nevertheless, I listened to him recount the final moments leading up to his recent disunion as I sped down Interstate 85. DRAMA!!! I listened ever so intently, carefully choosing my responses because it wasn't too long ago that I was playing the same role in another tired theatrical production of "Deez Niggaz is Crazy!" So after a lengthy conversation which did not lead to any definitive plans for recreation, Gianni decided to finish watching Gigli. (Huh!?) I let him. EB momentarily calls as Floetry's video for 'Wanna B Where U R' ends on Midnight Love. He asks if I plan to go to Halo. I had considered it. And now my interest was renewed. I was not in the mood for dressing up (Halo's a trendy spot), so I kept on my white t-shirt, jeans, PRO-Keds, and NY Mets jacket. I knew that this would be a different kind of night when EB greeted me at the bar with, "You lookin real trade-ish!?" Soon after, I ran into a Dillard alum that I hadn't seen in a minute. After two pints of Stella Artois, Dillard and I walked over to Bulldogs. I stepped it up a notch with Vodka and Cranberry. The next thing I knew, I was letting this man back "it" up and do an erotic slow wind on me as I leaned against an arcade machine. After the vertical lap dance, Dillard and I made our rounds around the bar. And that was when I noticed Baby Boy on the dancefloor. Cafe au lait, low fade, pretty, college boy kunt. He wore plaid pants in an eccentric fashionable kind of way. I pointed him out to Dillard who was working someone, unbeknowst to me, at the bar. (I could sense the body language) So I made my advance towards the dancefloor near Baby Boy until our bodies met and writhed in syncopation to a digitized Timbaland track. It felt good. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the edge of his bed watching him put his PJ's on. While sitting there, I noticed not one...not two...not three...but four different incarnations of Spongebob Squarepants.

me: So, how old are you?
Baby Boy: nineteen
me: (gagging and wondering to myself how he got into the club) Ok

me: What's with Spongebob?
Baby Boy: Just a little fascination. My friends and family always buy me Spongebob if they see him at a store or something.
me: Ok

I decided to continue robbing the cradle. I mean, what's seven years!? Age ain't nothing but a number!? Right!? Demi/Ashton!? Vivica/50 Cent!?

So after an uncomfortable few minutes kissing on his twin bed, I suggest we go back to my place. Sex was out of the question at this point, so we talked and held each other into our slumber. Morning came and went. Afternoon came and went. Evening (5:00pm), I drove him back home and I went to work. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed his company. We laughed and teased. We watched videos and even Oprah together. Conversation revealed atleast a 21 year old's maturity. So I guess, we'll just take it slow and see what happens.

2003-12-10T14:32:00.000-06:00

I love me some Oprah!

The incomparable, Oprah Winfrey, was on Larry King last night:

KING: Do you pinch yourself saying, come on, you're one of the most powerful women in the world. Maybe -- certainly in the top five. Do you ever say to yourself, wow?

WINFREY: Larry, that's a good -- no. I don't say to myself wow I'm in the top five. I don't think...

KING: I don't mean that. I mean, that you've made it.

WINFREY: I think -- I marvel every day of my life. Because first of all, I start out the day with a form of meditation or prayer. Some kind of thoughtful inward look at myself and something bigger than myself. I try to do that every day. Not just wow but marvel at this life. I mean, I was born in Mississippi in 1954. And all that means. There are people watching that knows what that means and people that don't know what that means. Well, 1954, Mississippi was the most racist state in the United States. We had more lynchings in that state per county than any state in the union. And I was born during the year of Brown vs. Board of Education which was the year that really brought about a sense of hope to then colored people. We were called at the time. To believe that life could be better. That you would no longer have to go to a school that was segregated with you having books that were less than the other children. With you not having the right -- the proper facilities and the proper tools to which to learn. I was born in that year.

KING: And now look.

WINFREY: So, when I hear Paul Simon sing "Born at the Right Time" I think, he is singing about me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CALLER: My question for you is, first of all, I just want to say that I admire what you do for people. Spiritually, if anything else. My question for you is, I'm 24. At 24, Oprah, what were you doing? Because I am lost.

WINFREY: ...I will say this, because I have god daughters and nieces who are in their 20s, and I would say that the 20s are the time when you feel the most lost. As I was saying to Larry earlier, I have kept a journal all these years, and so since I was 15, and my journal when I was 24 and 25, I go -- I look back at that journal and I weep for that woman. Because I was so pathetic. Even though I was working in news, I was so disorganized. I mean, I drove this little Chevy Chevette (ph) and my car was the junkiest car in Maryland. I would, like, roll my hair and leave the windows down, because I didn't have air conditioning.

WINFREY: ...but 24, the 20s are the time when you're finding out who you are. And so if you're ever going to be lost, 24 is the time to be seeking and finding yourself. So don't -- this is what I say to people in their 20s, don't beat yourself up about it. That's a time when you always feel like that's why this -- I remember writing in a journal once, that's why they call that show "The Young and the Restless," because you always feel like you're not doing enough, you're not getting ahead. You wish you were doing more, and why -- why aren't things more settled? They're not supposed to be in your 20s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CALLER: I would like to ask you, what motivates you on a daily basis? What motivates you to get up everyday and do what you do.

KING: Yes, because you don't have to financially.

WINFREY: Well, I think this. I think everybody has to figure out a way -- I think the real job of your life is figuring out what is the job of your life. What is your calling? And I think everybody is called here to earth to do something special. I think there's not a person born that doesn't have a gift to offer in some way. And so, your job is not just to do what your parents say, what your teachers say, what society says, but to figure out what your heart calling is and to be led by that. And for me, from a very early age, it was talking, talking in the church. I'm grounded, you know, spiritually having been brought up through the church. But spirituality means more to me than religion or church. Knowing yourself and known there's something bigger than yourself. So, what motivates me as a human being is being able to understand that I am here and what a gift it is. What a gift. Every single day. And that's not just rhetoric or, you know, blah blah celebrity stuff. It is just, jeez. I just sometimes I...

KING: Do you ever not want to go in?

WINFREY: I never not want -- first of all, back to the question of what motivates me. What motivates me is being able to fulfilling my potential. And keep growing into myself. I finally, feel like now I'm going to be 50 so maybe I'm grown.

WINFREY: What motivates me is trying to best what I've always done. How do you get better? How do you grow better? And so...

KING: Top yourself?

WINFREY: Not even topping as much as it is fulfilling the potential. We all have great potential here on earth.

She is simply, the best.

2003-12-09T19:24:00.000-06:00

Big Post of Life List-The Remix-Courtesy of Negro, Please Don't Hurt 'Em!

5 things wrong in my field of vision right now:
*Reoccuring reminiscent thoughts of the Ex (That's natural, right!? It don't mean I'm backsliding. I know what's best.)
*Loss of will power to get my ass into the gym and start my Mark Jenkins workout
*Still smoking cigarettes...even through a recent bout with the flu
*Owe 2 creditors a few coins
*Procrastination...CHES certification...researching Ph.D programs

4 things you wish you had:
*A car (preferrably a Range Rover) that was born in the new millennium
*High rise condo at the Metropolis
*A singing voice that rivals Luther, Donnie, Marvin, and Stevie.
*A Love of my Life

4 smells you love:
*Ol skool Lagerfeld cologne
*"Regular" gasoline
*Fried chicken
*Leather

4 things you are thinking about:
*How hard this list actually is
*Queer Eye for the Queer Guy
*Blacks and Gay Marriage
*...I stretch my hands to Thee...Come rescue me...I need you right away...I need you now...-Smokie Norful

4 things you did today
*Gotta haircut
*Worked
*Blogged
*Chilled

5 songs of the right now:
*You don't know my name-Alicia Keys
*She is-Carl Thomas
*Through the wire-Kanye West
*Rubberband man-T.I.
*Change clothes-Jay-Z

Last thing you...
did: write this entry
read: Kanye West's bio
watched on tv: music videos on BET

Who do you want to..
kill: No one
hear from: The Ex, one of the 5 things wrong in my field of vision right now!
look like: me
be like: me

Last song you heard: Through the wire-Kanye West
Last movie you saw: Kill Bill
Last movie you saw on the big screen: Kill Bill
Last thing you had to drink: Cherry Kool-aid
Last thing you ate: Cajun fried catfish, collard greens, lima beans, baked sweet potato
Last time you cried: 12-02-2003 On the plane from NYC back to ATL...I was so sick with the flu...miserably stuck on the plane looking out the window into the heavens
Last time you danced: Last night...alone...Kelis's Milkshake video came on. Sometimes I pretend to be an Atlanta shakedancer!
Last person you hugged: Kerwin
Last thing you said: "Well, you know!? I got it like that."
Last person you talked to online: Sexxyeyes
Last thing you smelled: food
Last car ride: my car, on my way to work
Last CD played: WOW Gospel 2003
Last item bought: Vodka and cranberry at The Lion's Den

Albums played on the regular right now:
Worldwide Underground-Erykah Badu
Surrender-Kindred The Family Soul
The Diary of Alicia Keys-Alicia Keys
The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of 'Lady Sings the Blues'-Diana Ross

2003-12-08T14:39:00.000-06:00

What do the lonely do for Christmas?

As I listen to the Urban Holiday Station on Launchcast, I am reminded that I pass by two Christmas tree stands on my way home everyday. I keep telling myself that I will stop and buy one. Then I realize how pathetic it would be. I'd be so melancholic. Not to mention, on yesterday I saw my neighbors (a couple) unloading their tree from the car. I began to imagine their little decorating project...

Papi's carrying and guiding the base of the tree into their front door as Wife-y holds the tip. Coats, scarves, and gloves off, he soon begins to set the tree into the stand. "Is it straight...or crooked?" Finally, it's perfect. She adjusts the crackling logs in the fireplace and then the pair unpack the lights, garland, and ornaments. Boyz II Men's "Let it Snow" is playing in the background as she winds around the tree illuminated by 500 streaming lights guided by her man. They perform the same dance as the garland is added. She tosses crimson ornamental balls at his head as he teases her about how ghetto her Mama's tree was when they visited for Thanksgiving. Laughter continues to fill the air as the last of the ornaments are added. He finally tops the tree with a golden metallic star. They clean up the mess that they made. The lights in the house are turned off, leaving their Christmas tree shimmering. The two naturally embrace, relishing in another Christmas together.

Maybe I should just wrap a stream of lights around the banister of my balcony. That's simple enough.

2003-12-05T14:34:00.000-06:00

My bird landed amongst the mechanical flock and I exited into Gotham City with Hellified fearlessness...

Thanksgiving Thursday
Party of 6 in Harlem at 131st hosted by my good friend, The Hairstylist. We gave thanks. Lots and lots of stimulating conversation. Ipods...home decor...celebrity culture..."Abercrombie's My Bitch"...Karma..."What would you do?"... Then more Zinfandel and maybe some Absolut Citron and cranberry. Ended up in Clinton Hills, Brooklyn with TSB after a stroll through a deserted Greenwich Village.

Friday
Ran errands with TSB in downtown Brooklyn. Stopped in a Goodwill store to search for vintage finds. Surprisingly successful. Took a break. Met up with Gianni (who flew in from ATL), TSB, The Hairstylist, and X5 (who flew in from New Orleans) at Day-O. Took in spirits and libation at the corner bar until the sound system went out. Still can't figure out why management was so rude!? The posse hailed two cabs to Brooklyn so that a few wardrobe changes could take place before we made our way to the next venue...Da Playground...you know? Three scintillating floors of New York's finest. We took in more of the Devil's nectar...I opted for Long Island's own Iced Tea. As planned, I ran into my friend Q, who I had phoned on Thanksgiving since we hadn't seen or really spoken to each other in about a year. Party & Bullsh*t!!! So much was going on that night and a Lush, such as myself, can't hardly recall it all... I know I was giving and receiving cell numbers most of the night. All you could see were blue and green cell phone illumination as the exchanges were taking place. My cohorts for the night were working full time in their own regards, but that's Sex and the City. I congratulated Phillip Bloch, Halle Berry's stylist, outside of the club for all of his good work. I don't know if he was incognito or what. Everytime I see him out he is quietly alone. Maybe that's his modus operandi to "get a date." The gang came out together...but left individually...

Saturday
I woke up and was introduced to Q's roommate...

Our hands met, thumbs intertwined
One firm signal of excitement.
My eyes glided to the floor, too nervous to ever meet his...again.
I sneaked a peek at his coy smile as he mouthed off irrelevance.
3 seconds...feeling like eternity.
How can anyone make morning look so good?
Barefoot...fresh faced...teeth brilliant from a recent brushing.
Time is becoming finite.
My breath is gone. None left to speak...
Chance lost...again.

So I left the Upper East Side to go to Times Square to the TKTS booth for Broadway tickets. After 2 1/2 hours in the blistering cold, I got tickets to Rent. Wanted Aida to see Michelle Williams, but I wasn't disappointed. Q and I then had lunch at Cafeteria. I HATED my spinach and cheddar omelette with a passion. The restaurant looks amazingly trendy but the food was so bland! We then hit it up to 125th to shop for some urban digs for later that night.

The Hairstylist and I went to the Nedarlander Theatre to experience Rent. It was my second viewing...his first. So I enjoyed experiencing it with him for the first time. The cast was great. I would have preferred a stronger performance for Angel...but it was good enough. "No day but today..."

Met up with the crew for a party at Bayou on 125th and Lenox. It reminded me of the B2B parties in Atlanta. I was so excited to see Keith Boykin there. That made my night! TSB did the most to acqaint himself really well with Mr. Boykin.

Left there and went to the Warehouse up in the Bronx. Total change of atmosphere...Night and Day... We got real gutter and partied until 7:30am.

Sunday
Walked down 125th to get bootlegs. Yes, I admit it. I purchase bootleg CD's and books. It's about economics right now for me. Got Alicia Keys' "Diary" and Alice Walker's The Way Forward is With a Broken Heart. Had Sunday dinner at "Manna's." Then the group went to Escuelita to see Harmonica.

Monday
And I rested. Bad bad cold...

Tuesday
Back in da ATL

2003-11-26T18:07:00.000-06:00

I love New York!

11-27-2003 to 12-2-2003...

2003-11-24T16:33:00.000-06:00

My milkshake...

Since the break up, I keep telling myself that I need to put myself out there in an effort to move on. But this past weekend shall go down in history as one of the best observational studies I have ever personally conducted to serve as a testament to the challenge that I now face.

Friday
I had dinner with Gianni (formerly known as Carl), Donatella and friends of Donatella at the Landmark Diner after the Vibe Awards (a HOT mess!). Donatella and I go to the bar to smoke and converse. She tells me how she was going to get one of her friends (who we left seated at the table) to buy her some Ferragamo but she has decided against it because she is deciding to seriously commit herself to her boyfriend in Toronto. I puff...exhale...and puff again as she goes on about how she needs to stop gold digging. I keep my comments neutral as I listen to her lament. I wonder why she feels that she HAS to get as much as she can from men? I then ask her what are the guys' expectations from her. She SWEARS that she isn't sleeping with them. Okay...

The friends were dismissed and myself, Gianni, and Donatella ended up at Halo and then to Club Colours. All the while, I began to understand much more readily Gianni (who happens to be one of my best friends) and Donatella's relationship. They have this warped dependence on men/boyfriends that I haven't figured out. I'm realizing that it is okay to be in a relationship wherein one person is more of a provider of sorts. (I guess!?!) But Gianni and Donatella...they have significant others who are providers yet they are still seeking "things" outside of the relationship. I can't handle the "get what you can get" mentality. However as an aside, I have my own issues with this topic and gay men. I think each man should be independently living or atleast have the ability to be independent within the relationship. In other words, HAVE YOUR OWN SHIT! I have problems with the idea that one man is looking for another man to take care of him. And I later try to explain to Donatella that there is an entirely different dynamic and expectation that exists in gay relationships...while some men do exactly what she is doing, others do not. And in my experience, that type of role playing isn't what is necessarily expected. Then we party hardy...run into other friends at the club...but I meet no dates.

Saturday
Went with Nicole to see My Boyfriend the Stripper. It was surprisingly lighthearted and comical. There was only one black actor (unless you count Matthew Rush who I don't think identifies as such). And the one black character had to be a tired hypocritical academician who fucks the young white boys he teaches. That left me disgruntled...but I laughed anyway.

I then met up with Gianni for a fashion show at the Biltmore. There we watched another friend, Maxwell, walk the show. I thought that this would provide the perfect opportunity to mingle since the Beautiful Ones were out. But my Gaydar was just not in good condition at this point. What is with this Metrosexual bullshit!? Every goodlooking, polished, stylish, sexy brother that seemed to reak GAY...later turned out to be questionably straight at the end of the night when the question was posed to friends and associates. What!?!

Myself, Gianni, Maxwell and two other friends then are invited to a houseparty whereby I vicariously learn that gay men can be so TIRED as it is discovered that two of the passengers in the car are sharing the same date while the entire caravan heads to this houseparty where, OF COURSE the guy in question is there waiting. Things are explained with an "it's a small world" philosophy. No hard feelings. I'm certain that all parties will continue to "date." I guess you might as well share a man in this day and age...

Most people from the party eventually filed out and went to the Brutha2Brutha party at Spice. As I look across the dancefloor I wonder how Atlanta can be home to so many black gay men... {My milkshake brings all the boyz to the yard...they're like its betta than yours...} And in between the boom of the 808 the thought was abruptly broken. One of the people that came out with the group is female and this guy is really "doing the most" to get her attention. She obliges with a dance. He is stuck to her like a bee to honey for the remainder of the night. Why!? Then I remember that this event is for "men in the life" and the life, I reckon, includes such intermixing. She tells me later how he adamantly proclaimed that he was a top and continued to describe "how he gets down." Funny!?

Sunday
I thought long and hard about Friday and Saturday. The pessimist in me sees all of the barriers that I face. I chill at home all day long. I only left the house to return a DVD to Blockbuster. I talk on the phone with friends and then fall asleep.

Today
Back at work...Thanksgiving potluck (I don't eat everybody's cooking!)...ate all of the "safe" foods. Office chatter: Micheal Jackson, Gay Marriage, Thanksgiving plans, blah blah blah...I close my eyes real tight and wish that I was a Hermit crab with a shell to retract into.

2003-11-21T15:18:00.000-06:00

Doing the most...

So last night I dressed my trendiest and went to Halo. And I expectantly ran into the Ex. According to the DeKalb County Order of Restraint, we aren't supposed to be within 50 yards of one another. So we made eye contact and stayed on separate levels. Ugghhh! This is what I have to look forward to from now on. We are always going to run into each other. Luckily, I was accompanied by four of my good friends. That way I was not able to think about his presence for at least 40% of the time. I couldn't help from allowing myself to see who he was with. Not that it really mattered at this point, but I just wanted to see. I recognized them all. While together, we never really befriended each other's friends so there is no awkwardness with that. Thank God! For now, I'll just have to continue to wait for time to heal.

Dan from Real World Miami and porn star Matthew Rush were at Halo last night too. They are in a play called My Boyfriend the Stripper that is doing a run in Atlanta. My friend, Nicole, used her feminine prowess to garner us free passes for tomorrow night.

And to date I've received 19 messages to my M4N profile. I provide a link to this blog so there's no confusion with the type of person that I am. I actually have gotten cool feedback from people who have ACTUALLY taken the time to read this thing. Sometimes it just feels like therapuetic release when I make my entries. I don't consider the fact that people are really reading this and to my surprise find entertainment in it. But as of now, my M4N buddies and I are just exchanging "imails" with one another. No real dialogue.

Then again:

Me: {after reviewing profile and pic} sup? just hittin u up. u appear to be normal...attractive... some of these niggaz in here r crazy for real. lol hit me back if that's wassup!

M4N boy: normal: i'm not. attractive: completely relative. every one is crazy. most people just have compatible psychosis and don't know that they are crazy. it's only a problem for those of us that do.

Me: I disagree. To me, normalcy is what's relative. And to dismiss one finding you attractive as relative is...interesting. If I find you attractive, then for all intents and purposes you are. I wasn't discussing anyone else's viewpoint regarding your appearance but my own. And if we're using the term "crazy" loosely (as I was), then I can walk with you in that we all have our issues. But I wouldn't deem them psychoses...that's a little severe. However, your reply proves my point in recognizing that you are different from the rest in here. Thanks for the dialogue.

I feel like I may have done too much!? He really is a cute guy... I just felt like his reply was kinda arrogant. And I only wanted to share my view point. I'll await his response.

His response:

M4N boy: You're right, normalcy is relative but then so is everything in reality, including reality itself. Your blogs are...interesting. Although I am a little concerced about the EJH(?) thing. Additionally, I appreciate the compliment and should have said so the fist time. As far as the pyschoses, if you really evaluate the nature of people, it becomes increasingly evident. True enough on an individual level but amazingly even more so as a collective.

I feel better. :-)

2003-11-20T17:26:00.000-06:00

You ain't gon find no husband at da club!

So a few months ago I heard about another online hookup site that has apparently become very popular in Atlanta. At the time, I deemed myself "married" and thought of myself as "beyond" all of that child's play, so I dismissed it. But how easily that fantasy turned into a nightmare (yesterday's blog).

Well...I created a profile on Men4Now.com today. I know that I am setting myself up for utter disappointment. {My Grandma used to tell my Aunts, "You ain't gon find no husband at da club!" It's basically with that premise that I look at online dating.} I actually don't even know what I am looking for. I don't think I would have even set up a profile if the website had not actually been so easy to navigate. It actually is a really good site with several ways to "get to know" people, so I understand it's popularity. There are over 400 men in my local area "logged in now" with a majority of them being men of color...almost ALL! I think the website might be programmed to display people I might be interested in based upon my profile that I set up initially. Then, (catch this!) I can utilize the "legend/icon" feature to actually select my preferred top, bottom, versatile, oral, or escort and initiate conversation. WOW! It's just that easy! Click! Then presto....dick! It's just too easy!? (sarcasm)

Then I moved on to Gay.com and set up another profile. It wasn't as simple. I am not very confident in that ad. It required typing a LOT of text which I wasn't prepared to do. And then it seems to be a white gay male site. Not that I have any issues dating outside of my race...but I don't believe that they're looking for me. But I did meet muy caliente from Clarkston by way of Spain in the chat room. I'll see what happens with that. He said he's looking for "fun" but I am sure fun = sex. We'll see...

Since typing this blog, I've received 2 messages for my M4N profile. One a total bust. The other...cute...biracial mulatto...claims he's "just looking for cool peeps." Hmmm...

Oh, I'm going to NYC for Thanksgiving!

Playground
Escuelita
Greenwich Village
Juniors
Warehouse
Langston's
AIDA
H&M
SoHo
125th
Day-O
Buttercup Lounge
Octagon
NYU
West Elm
Old friends
College alum
New friends

So much to do...

2003-11-19T12:47:00.000-06:00

Emancipation Proclamation

Based upon my last blog, I was pondering what I could accomplish in 2 months. I decided it definitely had to do with Self. It had to be something empowering...something uplifting...something life altering.

I perused my daily routine and realized only three days after I wrote the last blog what I needed to do:

11-7-2003
After suffering from a cycle of disrespect and lovin' that dates back to last year...I am in the kitchen, EJH is in my bedroom watching television.

Me: (running into bedroom to answer cell phone) Hello?
TSB: What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing...What do you mean?
TSB: I just called you.
Me: (turning toward EJH who was alone in my room briefly) Did you answer my cell phone?
EJH: Yep...Who is TSB?...Why he call you so much?
TSB: (on cell phone) I knew that wasn't you. I was talking and then I just hung up.
Me: He think we fuckin'!

***SLAP...to the back of the head from EJH to me***

Me: (stunned) Lemme call you back!
EJH: (filled with rage) Don't you ever disrespect me in front of your friends!
Me: (shocked and awed)
EJH: I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. You be making me mad.
Me: Okay (walks out of room)

Now I am in my living room terribly disappointed because this is a reenactment of last year. And this nigga, of course, promised that "he had changed!" I know that a confrontation right now would fuel the flame so I ignore my anger and make him believe that I accept his apology. He makes plans to spend the night. I cringe. I lay in the dark. He asks me to hold him. I shrink while throwing my weak arm around his waist. Morning didn't come fast enough. He left for work. Called me several times throughout the day. Finally I answered.

11-8-2003
Me: Hello?
EJH: What you doing?
Me: Nothing
EJH: What's wrong?
silence
EJH: You still love me?
silence
Me: I don't think we can be together.
EJH: Is this your way of being with TSB?
EJH: Hope y'all have a good life together.
click...dial tone.

I knew that that was too easy. Within a weeks time, he had called relentlessly. I refused to answer the phone. He left crazy messages. He circled the parking lot of my apartment complex nightly. He attempted to kick the door in when he saw my silhouette as I peeked through the blinds to see where he was in the parking lot. He left notes on my door. He called one of my best friends at work and made up one of the worst lies I thought possible. It really showed his character.

11-12-2003
I filed a stalking temporary protective order against him. He was served the papers the following day.

11-16-2003
Knocked on my door begging to talk for "10 seconds." The door never opened. Ran into him at The Lion's Den. Whispered in my ear to "please just talk to me for 2 seconds." Made the same request from my friend that I was out with. Both refused.

Today 11-19-2003
He and I appeared before the court and signed a permanent restraining order barring contact. We never exchanged a glance nor a word.

I am empowered...uplifted...and my life has been altered.

Now I gotta deal with the emotional baggage...

2003-11-04T15:41:00.000-06:00

Diddy Ran da City!

I have truly grown to really admire P.Diddy in the last 2 days. I saw him last night on Oprah After the Show and was intrigued by his sudden maturity. I must admit that I was a little suspect with all of the media hype for the marathon. I mean...come on...Diddy running on the treadmill on MTV's TRL with Loon's CD yelling, "Cop that!" with each stride. But I can respect the feat! Congratulations!

Now lemme see what I can push my self to accomplish in 2 months...hmmm...

2003-11-03T15:05:00.000-06:00

Whose keepin da DL on da down low?

I received anotha damn DL email that friends and associates wanted my opinion on. And it read:

"Something to share with our children.

GREETINGS SISTERS AND BROTHERS WITH SISTERS, JUST WANTED TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU. AFTER READING IT PLEASE SEND IT TO THE SISTERS IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK. WE'VE GOT TO SPREAD THE WORD. AWFUL, JUST AWFUL.

This is not a very nice topic to discuss but I feel I need to share this information with my sisters in Christ. Last Saturday, Kisha & I went to a seminar where a man named J.L. King was speaking on the subject of "DL Brothers". The "DL" stands for Down Low or Double Lives.

Now, what makes this so interesting is that Mr. King is a DL brother. South Carolina is #8 in the nation for HIV/AIDS new cases. African American women are 80% of all new cases and they are contracting the virus from men who are having sex with other men but they are doing this on the "Down Low". These men say they are not gay... they are heterosexual but just sleep with men once in awhile. These are men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, and men that say they hate those "faggots".

Mr. King shared his life story and said he knows a lot of "DL" brothers in the NBA/NFL and even in the entertainment world. To prove his point: On Thursday, the director of the Tri-County Collaboration for the prevention of HIV/AIDS, Valerie King (no relation) took J.L. to a Charleston Club and introduced him to 5 men she knew. These men were respected men at work and church. Valerie excused Herself for about 15-20 minutes. In that time J.L. had gotten 3 of the 5 men's phone numbers to hook up with later. By the end of the evening he also got 10 female numbers.

He said the reason he is talking about this is his fear that his grown daughter may run into a "DL" brother and never know. These men are masters in the art of lying and living that double life. His wife thought it was wonderful that he worked so hard in the church with different men on different projects right up to the time he had to tell her he was HIV positive. This, needless to say, destroyed his family and his marriage. He has 3 grown children who now have to live with the knowledge that their father gave their mother HIV and possibly AIDS. I know of one man in my own church that is a "DL" brother and has AIDS. (Because what you do on the "DL" will come out in the light) J.L. mentions that this is a widespread epidemic here in Charleston.

I went on the web site and looked up several references on HIV/AIDS in the South. The numbers are showing whites are going down but African Americans are going up & up... mostly heterosexual African American women. I have been asking myself all week... what is this world coming to? When is God going to say... this is enough (I think God has already said this is enough and now we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience. There is a penalty for walking in our own way and doing things our own way contrary to God.)

This is truly the work of the enemy! Ladies, this is also praying time. I have shared this with my youngest daughter too! I'm going to pass this message to as many females I know and I pray you do the same. Below are some web sites that you may find interesting. Once we understand that HIV/AIDS is not something that is just happening in Africa, that it is preventable, and that we as women understand the importance of knowledge on the subject then maybe we can make a difference.

God Bless You all!

http://www.livingdownlow.com/

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/health/jan-june01/aids_5-30.html

http://www.hivdent.org/publicp/ppUSCU022003.htm

http://www.natap.org/2003/april/042803_1.htm"

Oh really!? My reply:

As an African American gay male who happens to work in HIV/AIDS prevention, I find the email bothersome and offensive. I do not refute HIV/AIDS incidence and prevalence. We all know the disparities that exist within our community. To reiterate a previous comment, the bottom line is that COMMUNICATION IS KEY and SAFER SEX should be practiced by ALL.

However, the email just serves as evidence that the black community still cannot accept sexuality, in general. (gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, etc.)

The "DL" phenomenon is nothing new. Black men have been having sex with other black men for a long time. Can we (black folk) accept that fact? The supposed "Down Low" or "Double Life" man would not exist if he had a community to identify with and feel supported and accepted by. And are these supposed DL men "masters in the art of lying and living that double life?" Or are they simply assimilating and surviving in black homophobia?

And why is it so surprising that "respected men who work in the church as officers, men who are leaders in the community, men in the NBA/NFL or in the entertainment industry" can be having sexual relationships with other men? Is this an argument based upon assumptions concerning male masculinity/femininity and sexual identity?

And what was the point of Mr. King's "experiment" at the Charleston club? Was it to display his hypersexuality? 13 phone numbers in 15-20 minutes...oh really!? Did he pass a sign in sheet around the club? If he received 3 out of 5
men's phone numbers at the club, then that is not really that surprising due to the ratio of homosexual/bisexual vs heterosexual men in the population. And if he received 10 female's numbers at the club then that is plausible due to "good black man shortage" if the females saw him as a potential mate. But I seriously, question Mr. King's mack!

And the Black church (our "foundation") has simply ignored the crisis of sexuality and responded with hellfire and brimstone conjure which only segregates and demonizes. If "we are suffering the consequences for our disbelief and disobedience in God" then it is due to not understanding that God is Love, not Judgement. And I agree that this is a "praying time," but I am praying for Unity and Understanding.

Here are I few websites/articles that I recommend:

http://www.nyblade.com/2003/10-24/viewpoint/opinion/blackgay.cfm

http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_243/downlowsmedia.html

http://www.gaycitynews.com/gcn_242/gayorjust.html

2003-10-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

"Houston," we have a problem...

Okay, okay...I have been known to (for whatever reasons) disassociate temporarily from family, friends, lovers (i.e. my recent blogger absence) at anytime. I call it "doing me." I may or may not answer phones or return emails. Alot of people have problems with it. I can understand to a certain extent. However, I feel like it is just a temporary departure from the hustle and bustle in an effort to slow down. I don't have any special ceremony or ritual that I do during these times but I just feel like I need it.

Consequently, here's an email from a friend:

***I have been deemed "Whitney" Houston for various perceived uncanny similarities none of which relate to narcotix usage. He is "Vanessa" Williams for reasons that I would only attribute to fanaticism.***

"Whits:

I dont understand. I thought that I had your
disappearing acts down to a science--you know, your
prolonged waits to exhale--but, this stunt is one that
I did not expect. I know "you doing you." I know "you
in love all over again with Bobby." I know you are
fortunate enough to have an "upper-level position at a
large research university." All of which can impeed
the ability to return a phone call, or two, or three,
or maybe even four, but you have not even responded to
my emails.
The shade has been caught. And that, I do understand.
I hope that you get back from "Israel" safely.

peace,
vanessa."

Hmmm....it's something for me to think about.

2003-10-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

"Been gone for a minute...Now um back with the Jump Off..."-Kimberly Jones

Check out Digital DJs!

More tales to come VERY soon...I promise!

2003-09-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

You don't know me like that...

Recap from Texas...
I'm back from a very scandalous training at the Hyatt in San Antonio, TX. There is, what I will call, a "conference phenomenon" that exists when you get individuals gathered in a city for trainings and seminars. It all begins after the day's sessions and there is nothing for the attendees to do in the evenings except cruise the hotel lobbies/bars and meet up with other attendees that they've met throughout the day. People with husbands, wives, lovers, and children begin to behave in ways that they probably normally would not had it not been for this microcosm created within the hotel environment.

CLUB (room) 833 and 1137 were stocked with a semi-full bar with snacks. So intriguing! I like my cocktails, so I of course didn't refuse the opportunity to mix the Devil's nectar. And as much as I tried to be cognizant of my surroundings...the alcohol took affect and before I knew it my guard was down. The rooms were getting a little too Eyes Wide Shut for me! I also wanted to hit up the gay scene in San Antonio. So I had to coax this guy from Ft. Lauderdale that I had been talking to accompany me out. He declined. I flirted with him until he agreed. I knew what I was doing, but I didn't think he did. Of course, when we were filing out everyone else wanted to come too. (It comes with being the life of the party!?) So we hailed 3 cabs and discovered The Saint. Myself, Ft. Lauderdale, and Los Angeles (whom I had just met) immediately went to the bar. All three of us were standing there and Los Angeles offered to buy me my drink. I smiled and hugged him in gratitude while a lifeless drag queen attempted to perform Beyonce's "Baby Boy!".

me: you didn't have to do that. thank you! (hug)
Los Angeles: nuttin to it.
me: (sipping cranberry/vodka)
Ft. Lauderdale: (leans in to me) i get you. i see how you work.
me: what!?
Ft. Lauderdale: it's all good. i ain't mad. you know how to work it.
me: what are you saying?
Ft. Lauderdale: nothing...don't worry about it.
me: no, what are you trying to say.
Ft. Lauderdale: nothing (turns his head)
me: i know what you're trying to say. but you don't know me like that!
Ft. Lauderdale: you know how to get what you want.
me: yo, chill.

I realize that Ft. Lauderdale may have been right. I feel like I am just a friendly person. In my mind, I know where the flirt in me begins and ends. No harm in it. I guess I should be more aware of what others may be feeling. I suppose Ft. Lauderdale thought that I would end my night with him since I did coax him out. But instead I am accepting drinks from other new found friends. And unbeknownst to him, I had EVERY intention of ending my night ALONE in room 544.

Nevertheless, we eventually left that club to go back to room 367 where the drunken group eventually wound down. Shout out to E from NYC "strumming my pain with his fingers" and C from DC "these gurls some teas!"

5:17am

me: hello?
ejh: i told you i was gon check on you. where you at?
me: just got back to the hotel...bout to go back to my room.
ejh: alone?
me: ha ha ha, yes!
ejh: d...
me: huh?
ejh: are you cheating on me?
me: no

It wasn't until 6:34am that I finally closed my eyes only to reopen them at 8:30am to make it to my 9am session. I just realize that I have a boyfriend. Thank God for Da Bux!

2003-09-26T15:17:00.000-05:00

Remember the Alamo!

Been in San Antonio for work...

2003-09-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

An email from a long lost friend...

I received an email from a classmate from fifth and sixth grade. Her mother ran into my mother and emails were exchanged. We were really good friends back in the day...me a lil' black boy...she a lil' white tom boy...oddly enough.

And it reads:

my kids are taking a test right now so i have some time to write... where do i start???

i teach high school. this is my 2nd year. came here from the univ. of kentucky where i got an MS in athletic training. my BS in sports medicine came from georgia southern university. i played 4 years on a softball scholarship there and had an honors program scholarship as well. can't argue w/ 6 yrs of free school. i am actually taking classes again for a teaching certificate. i passed the exam to get a 3-yr provisional, but i have to take 7 classes to get a clear renewable (a.k.a. keep my job) certificate. now i'm paying for school, and it is harsh. but i like my job and the people i work with well enough to endure this brief period of suffering. but i swear when i get done with class this time, i will NOT go back for a long long long time.

i am also an athletic trainer at the school. i work with every single team here, boys and girls. there is another man i work with that is primarily responsible for football and baseball, leaving everything else to me and even requiring my help with those as well. i stay busy, to say the least. this year i am also serving as an assistant softball coach and probably an assistant basketball coach too. i have to be here anyway, so i might as well help out and get paid extra to do so. i am one of the youngest people on staff here, so some of the old ladies don't like me all too much, but the coaches i work with are awesome!

away from school and work (which isn't much, sad to say) i live in lake park. i bought a condo on a golf course where i live with my 2 animals. my personal life is finally getting settled down. kinda. i got married in june 2001. i had to leave him in may 2002. the divorce was final in january of this year. i have become a statistic. i never planned on it happening that way. i was going to fall madly in love and stay married forever... it would have made a good story, but i think that was part of the problem. anyway, that is a long long story that doesn't need re-hashing right now. so i'm single again and loving every minute. i have a good group of friends/coworkers here and we go out sometimes. but as you can imagine, going out down here is nowhere near going out in atlanta. i am a southern girl and living where it is quieter and a little slower is nice for me. although i think my life is still a little fast-paced for some people here. the general consensus around here is that i'm crazy... imagine that. i just like to enjoy my life and have a good time. i have taken up golf and really enjoy it. i also bought a motorcycle and am in the process of becoming a better rider. my most outrageous undertaking, however, is skydiving. i started in april for spring break and haven't stopped. i absolutely love it!!! there isn't much around more better suited to my personality than jumping out airplanes! i actually jump in thomaston up around atlanta. you'll have to join me one day. ;-)

in other news, i have a niece (almost 2) and a nephew (1 month) who live in chicago but are the absolute joys of my life. my oldest bro. and his wife live in atlanta but have no children. mom and dad are right where they've always been, but my dad is a preacher now instead of a farmer.

ok, so i have written a ton. lot's to catch up on from 13 years past, huh? write whenever you want/can. look forward to hearing back from you.

jk

My reply:

Wow! A lot has happened for you!

Free education!?! You're so lucky! While most of my undergrad was paid for...I still have loans that are haunting me from grad school. It's so depleting when you look at how much you have to pay back and how much you're making in your career. You're like, "Was it worth it!?"

I've had 3 jobs since I finished school (already!?). One was a TEMPORARY consultant, the other a program manager for a small non-profit that WENT UNDER, and finally the one I have now in research. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I didn't technically get fired, but its just that the job market is crazy. Here today...gone tomorrow. I went 3 months unemployed. That was scary! I had bills and I found myself in the Department of Labor's unemployment office. I had lost any sense of pride. But those days are over...

I like the job I have now. But I, too, don't care for some of the people I work with. And I, too, am the youngest. So I know what that feels like. The co workers I have problems with are LAZY! And that includes my supervisor! He is such a procrastinator. I basically supervise him in a passive aggressive/reverse psychology kinda way. And he is clueless. I kindly suggest things for him to do, and he's like, "That's a good idea. I should do that." And I say to myself, "You idiot!?"

My social life is...interesting...to say the least. When I talk to people that I haven't seen in a while...I always get nervous about discussing my personal life. But I'm working on it.

Here goes...

Well, the past 6 years of my life have been me coming to grips with who I am and accepting me for me. I grew up in a really religious household (my stepfather is a minister). Whether I was with my mom's family or my dad's family...there was always this feeling of confinement. I don't fault any of them for it. I wouldn't change a thing about my childhood. But after I left for college in New Orleans, I experienced the first opportunity for independence and growth. I eventually "came out" and accepted the fact that I was gay. I told my mother and my father last year and they took it surprisingly well. They just have to accept the fact that there will be no wedding, no biological grandkids, etc. And my mother would prefer that I not tell ANYONE else. (hilarious!) So don't tell your mother who might mention it to my mother...blah blah blah. LOL!

I have been dating this guy off and on for about a year. Currently, we're on again. It's hard though. Sometimes I feel like it isn't fair because it'll be a long time (if ever?) before I can share my romantic life with my family and old friends. The social network I have now are friends from the last 6 years and present. So its easier.

I have a huge extended family because both my mother and my father are separately married with children. So that can get complicated. But I have four REALLY good friends that I met while in New Orleans. Two now live in Atlanta, one is in New Orleans, and the other is in New York. So that's how I get by.

I don't know if I'm the skydiving type!? That's too 'Road Rules' for me! But I may need the challenge...

I have to get back to work now. I hope this wasn't an overwhelming read! Write back!

me

2003-09-15T17:48:00.000-05:00

Randomly thinking...

Queers:
I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! And this weekend I caught an original episode with the first "Culture" guy before Jai...yep the infamous black Queer, Blair Boone!? And it's sad to say that I realize why he was recast...Where is the personality!? But over on MSN I noticed how the Queer I love to hate, Carson, is making the most of his 15 minutes of fame.

Unleash the Dragon:
Why Sisqo, why!?

Sorors:
Zeta who!?

Caushun:
I fear my honesty on this blog. I have shared it with a few people who know me...but I'm unaware of whether or not they even read it regularly. And do they even get it? Do I get it? I want to be able to say ANYTHING here. But now I'm starting to second guess myself.

I had a conversation with Carl last week:

me: wassup!
carl: i got your email.
me: oh yeah...
carl: who are you talking to on that website?
me: ummm...i'm just venting...alot of people do it...

And another conversation with Danielle:

danielle: what is that?
me: a web log
danielle: you just putting all your business out there...
me: yeah...ha ha ha
danielle: ha ha ha

We Meet Again...
We met months ago. We talked. Things became rather standoffish. You saw me out with a date...twice. We stopped speaking. I ran into you again on Saturday. You "lost my number." Now were reacquainted. Why do you prefer to text message me, rather than call? How do I tell you that I'm "in this situation?" Could we be? Will we ever know? Call me.

2003-09-10T17:01:00.000-05:00

Love of My Life...

Erykah Badu's entire new album is online for preview today. This past Saturday, Danger had Traxx jumpin'! I like when you hear a song on the radio or on television...and you're like...."It's alright!?" Then you hear it in the club amplified to the highest level and the dancefloor is packed and you're already lushed -n- perspiring and that same mediocre song comes blaring through the speakers and your mind is changed. You're like, "That's my joint (arms flailing)!

But to get back 2 EBadu...I wonder why there has been little to no promotion for this album? I was told by an avid fan that the album was dropping soon (9-16-03). I only recently heard the first single (I have given up on radio). And so far I've heard the 1st four tracks while typing this blog...mellow and typically abstract are the words that come to mind. Lots of different unintelligible sounds which I assume are vocally derived. And I've noticed that she likes to sample her own previous work...interesting.

Last night, I watched VH1's Hip Hop Babylon and actually got chills listening and realizing how deviant this rape of culture has gotten. I posted the following to their message board:

"Hip Hop Babylon had me shook up last night. I knew the music industry was a hideous monster but I didn't know how viscious it truly was. I was saddened to see so many individuals hoodwinked and bamboozled. I also was bothered by the sociological implications that are evident in our culture and community due to this evergrowing beast. Worshipping hypermasculinity and one-upmanship...belief that money defines success and happiness...acceptance of hood and ghetto mentalities in an effort to "keep it real." Uggh! And I was disgusted to hear Kevin Liles suggest that Joe Budden go to the flyest clubs...drink up...hang with the dopest honeys, etc. to create this facade to sell records. As a pioneer of Hip Hop music, I would have expected a more creative response to low record sales. And poor Joe Budden...looking like his dog died. The most enlightened segments were of Chuck D and KRS-one spitting Hip Hop philosophy, i.e. "Black death sells!" I commend VH1 (who woulda thought!?) for creating this show. I only hope that ALL viewers realize that MAINSTREAM Hip Hop, (MTV, BET, commercial radio) does not define Hip Hop culture. We are much more than "gettin' shot 9 times," "tits & ass," and "bling bling!"

I've heard the entire album. It's not love at first listen. I think I expected more lyrically. I couldn't get an anthem out of it. Mama's Gun had me mesmerized from start to finish...musically, lyrically, and vocally. For this album, I could have used some additional tracks (only 10!?). But I'm sure she'll perform the Hell outta it in concert.

2003-09-08T18:08:00.000-05:00

Again...

EJH,

I cannot understand the power of our bond.
Sometimes I feel it's unhealthy, down-rite dangerous.
Othertimes, I long for it like it's saving grace.
I've never felt anything as good as your presence.
And I don't want to imagine a moment in time when you don't exist.
There are nocturnal emissions of tears when there is no "I for you and you for me."
Let's make one...again.

Forever and always,

DJD

2003-09-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

Black Gay Pride-Atlanta Pics!!!

Click here!

2003-09-04T13:10:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday!

2003-09-02T18:16:00.000-05:00

Say it loud...I'm black and I'm PROUD!!

I did Black Gay Pride-Atlanta this weekend! I was not really interested until I spoke with EB and Jabari on Friday. And that's when it all began...

Friday: I got my hair cut into a nice light Caesar similar to my boy Pharrell's. Then I stopped by A&F for some new "college boy" threads. I frantically got dressed and then hit it to meet Jabari and Co. I pulled up to the Sheraton and that's when I remembered how fun Pride could be. The sight of MEN made me giggle at the remembrance of Prides past. Jabari and I walked around the host hotel where many of the festivities were taking place all weekend. I ran into several familiar faces and met many new ones. It's sad to say...but I really needed to hear the "Hey sexy's..." and catch the constant moments of eye contact from onlookers. It's only because I'm in this quasi-relationship (R we 2gether or not? What is this?). And sometimes one just needs a mad boost to the self-esteem! That sounds so pitiful...but it's honest. (And it's anotha entry for anotha day!) So, we then went to Club 708 which was like a block party with all of the people in the streets and APD handling crowd control! From there we walked to Bulldogs and back. During this time, I met the other characters which tell the rest of the weekend's story. Jabari's Company: Antonio I, Antonio II, Larry, Don, and Paris. I, of course, am drunk off of Skyy and smoking my Salems by this point. Everybody is meeting and greeting in the streets until the wee hours of the morning. I swear it's like mating season!

Saturday: Hangover! I didn't get outta bed until about 3pm. I, then hit it to Little 5 Points to check out the Futon Gallery for their selection of beds. (I found a really nice Mahogany bed similar to one I saw at By Design and will save about $150!) While shopping, Antonio I calls me and says that his friend Larry is interested in me. It's funny to me because he was competing hard at the Block Party to be the Alpha Male! He's actually cute though, minus the gray contacts. But I wasn't interested in any sexual escapades. I then go over to this music shop I discovered accidentally once before in L5P. I met the owner, a girl working promotions, and DJ Rahdu who promised to take me under their wings and educate me on the truth of Soul music. I felt like a kid in a candy store with all of the musical possibilities. Commercial radio, MTV and BET are beginning to kill me softly. But I was glad to hear so many good samples on Mary's album as a throwback to what it used to be. (Anotha entry for anotha day...) Back 2 da weekend...later that night I met up with the crew again and we all did the block party at Traxx. The crowd was out of control. Shouts out to CJ with the card table and impromtu game of 3-hand Spades (whoever heard of that!?) and the DC BBQ stand (the chicken sandwich and jumbo cocktail was right!)

Sunday: I had no intention of going out. But Jabari talked me into meeting them at the hotel. The conversation persuaded me to The Lion's Den with Paris and Don while he went to Club 708 with Kevin and Sommore. At The Lion's Den, the crowd was so thick and people exiting were complaining about the heat, e.g. Carlos. I was in no mood for discomfort, so I didn't go in. But I was glad to see people leaving with autographed pictures of Kelly Price and Latocha Scott. I'm sure its hard to find mainstream artists to play black gay clubs. But I guess artists are beginning to appreciate and recognize their demographic following.

Monday: Film festival! The crew critiqued Enrique Cruz's Hardcore! Hilarious! I, personally, loved it! I was actually interested and attempting to follow the storyline and cast of characters. "Bust Papi! Word!" The sex scenes were not disappointments either. Some were even like infatuated love-making, which is surprising to see in XXX features. And I am sufficed to say that "Thuggism" still leads black/Latino gay erotica and this film tops Cruz's previous endeavors, i.e. Off da Hook and Aprende, in that genre. After the film festival, the crew stopped by a pool party and The Palace before concluding the busy weekend.

Now, it's back to reality. The lows after the highs. But it's all good. Until we meet again...

2003-08-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

I would like to thank the Academy...

VMA's tonite! Gotta catch the red carpet.

2003-08-27T19:16:00.000-05:00

I'm coming out...{Coming!}...I want the world to know...

I'm still at work playing on the computer. John Coltrane serenading in the background. I want a cigarette badly. I've been munching on office birthday cake all day. There is nothing like vanilla cake with buttercream icing and sprinkles all up in it. Jesus! I need to work out when I get home. And that has nothing to do with the cake. Just a coincidental thought. I haven't been to the gym in a month and a half. I was doing very well. My poor muscles have shriveled up. I had begun to enjoy the swell. Sanya even asked me at the wedding Sunday if I had lost weight. And that comment sent me on an emotional decline. Why must I have body image issues? I guess it's all of the hard bodies out today. I gotta compete...Darwin's Survival of the Fittest is at play!

I just got sidetracked writing this blog by a quick glimpse at the homepages of two of the most popular porn sites for black and latino gay men. I was having a conversation with someone (I can't even remember who) and we were talking about how back in the day when we were first coming out and how Enrique Cruz (Lamancha at the time) and Streetlife made it all possible for us to see people more like ourselves who have same sex attraction. When you are first coming out, you sometimes still harbour homophobic stereotypical classifications whereby you demonize gay stereotypes in an effort to say, "I ain't gay! See, I ain't no faggot!" The realization that one could be masculine and gay was epiphanic to me.

Nevertheless...now that I have recovered from my naivete' I've learned what "gay for pay" and "character acting" are. But in the end, it is my hope that we all finally realize that we all are gay...the masculine and the effeminate (group hugz). Nobody is better than the other...despite the status quo and what society may tell us.

2003-08-26T19:37:00.000-05:00

Real love...I'm searching for a real love...

Today, it's all about Mary!

2003-08-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

M.I.A.

The wedding was beautiful. Straight outta Coming to America. But I've been in deep thought ever sense the lovely couple leaped across the threshold.

At the reception, I sat at one of the Xavier alumni tables with four attractive educated single black female classmates: one an engineer, three completing their last years of medical/optometry school. I listened as each exchanged cordial "how are you's" and "what's going on's" which led to my understanding of the sad realities that they face when it comes to the prospect of marriage in the black community. It was disheartening to hear them speak of all of the obstacles they face due to the "good black man shortage":

1. Dating blue collar (Do I have to settle for any ol' man?)
2. Baby mama drama (Is it inevitable?)
3. The nonexistent opportunities to date within their local communities ("How are the men in DC? Atlanta? Chicago? I gotta find ME a man!")
4. Educated black men relentlessly playing the field (Why not? It's so easy to do!)
5. Subtracting incarcerated and gay men from the already minuscule pool

Then to further complicate matters, I invited Danielle and Sanya to go to The Lion's Den with Carl and me. At first, it was about going out to dance and having a few drinks since we didn't get to do that at the wedding reception. Plus, they always said that they wanted to see the "scene." And I, personally, think that every straight black person should open their minds and experience black gay life. It is reality. However, it concerned them even more to realize that they probably would never be able to tell if a man is gay or straight. And I was left speechless...unable to comfort them with a response. Simply because I know the lives that we, socially and culturally stigmatized black gay men, lead.

2003-08-22T18:52:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidaze!

Danielle and Sanya are coming to Atlanta for Tiffany's wedding this weekend! We have not all been together since our days back at Xavier from 96-00. I went to DC a few times to see Sanya. Danielle came to see me in New York a couple of times...but nothing more than that. I'm so anxious!

It's Friday! I'm sorta broke! What kind of weekend can I create? The wedding's not until Sunday evening, so that gives me plenty of time to do me. Actually, I don't really care what happens as long as either tonight or Saturday night I am lushed off of some Skyy with a few Salem Ultralights complementing my exuberance! No shame in my addictions!

Oh yeah...there is that Mary listening party tonight...

Next weekend is Black Gay Pride in Atlanta. I am so surprised by my lack of excitement. Is it the fact that my good sistahs, Troy and Chad, aren't coming and Carl is going to Miami!? Where oh where is my enthusiasm for da homo thugs and gangsta princesses!? I guess I should attend more of the ITLA events this year instead of the club scene which is what I am actually tired of experiencing.

***I am really talking shit right now*** Ain't nothing like being up in Traxx during the Holidaze!

2003-08-21T18:06:00.000-05:00

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

Do we ever reach a point where we are self-satisfied? Will there ever be that day when I can sit back and just simply exhale? Life is so damn demanding. One hurdle after another. Where is fulfillment? I guess the eternal point of satisfaction comes with death. Ain't shit to worry about then!

EB's facing hardship. It seems to be contagious these days. But the question is, what about that bullshit they call Karma? If you have to struggle to get from point A to point B...is bad Karma the struggle or good Karma reaching point B!? I mean, I know hella people who have been evil or simply lackadaisically living...yet it is my perception that they don't know rivers.

Nevertheless, I was talking to a coworker today about growing up in the rural south. We were seriously reminiscing...to the point where you get that blank stare where your eyes don't blink for like 45 seconds! I thought my cousins and I were the only ones who used to go out in the damn wildnerness and eat sour grass ("sour cuz of dog piss"), honeysuckles (tearing up a damn flower for a drop of nector the size of a pin head), wild blackberries (a rattlesnake's home) and plums (shaking the big juicy ones out of the top of the tree).

Now, that's self-satisfaction.

2003-08-20T18:35:00.000-05:00

Skittles...

I have now discovered a new fascination...blogging! This is quite surprising for a person such as myself. Things can spark my interest for wee moments of time and then they become, "Oh, so passe!" But the premise...the idea...of an "online journal" is just so damn intriguing. It's very Carrie Bradshaw. A little introspective thought ain't hurt nobody. Plus, I was momentarily on Friendster checking the "Gallery" of Unknowns whose lives seem superficially so much more enticing than my own (the root of my fascination with blogging). But then I thought about it..."not true, not true" (Whitney's response in the Diane Sawyer interview) so here I am. Enjoy!

It is like 98 humid degrees in Atlanta and why did I find myself standing on the corner of Little 5 Points doing short surveys for work. I mean, in this kind of heat, who the Hell wants to answer my "five quick questions!?" And when my "five quick questions" consist of questions concerning sexuality, it gets even more "heated." But I have to catch myself. I continue to strive to be a somewhat stable secure black gay male living in America's Hip Hop era (isn't that rather oxymoronic?!). It took a MINUTE digging myself out of all of the debris! But I have lived the last seven years in New Orleans, New York City, and Atlanta (definitely gay, huh?) so I am really biased when it comes to speaking on gay issues. I have almost forgotten how dark the "closet" was! And I dispute the existence of the "DL!" So again I have to catch myself when dealing with sexuality. My psyche is not another's. But back to my exploitations in da hot ass sun...I am randomly asking these men as a part of my series of questions if they "Have ever had sex?" Then, "Have you ever had sex with a man, woman, both, neither?" Can you "taste the rainbow" spectrum of responses I was getting!? Hilarious!

Carl just informed me of a Mary J. Blige Love and Life 8-26-2003 listening party this Friday night. Omigod! "If you look at my life and see what I've seen..."